Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Comedy wa Machigatteiru. Zoku Sayfaya git: Önceki, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, Sonraki |
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hoppalapaşam yazmış:
7
Bir çok sahneyi atlamışlar ama o piyano eşliğindeki son sahne ve sonrasında sadece Yukino'nun seiyuu'sunun tek söylediği ending herşeyi telafi etmiş.
Bir çok sahneyi atlamışlar ama o piyano eşliğindeki son sahne ve sonrasında sadece Yukino'nun seiyuu'sunun tek söylediği ending herşeyi telafi etmiş.
Spoiler:
Haftaya Hiratsuka Sensei'nin 8man'a vereceği hayat dersiyle başlar, mağlum sahneyle devam eder.
Nerden okuyorsun?
TurgoN yazmış:
hoppalapaşam yazmış:
7
Nerden okuyorsun?
[Bağlantı]
8. bölüm LN'de 9. cilt, 5. bölümün sonu ve 6. cildin tamamını kapsıyordu.
Spoiler:
I was in a daze, thinking about nothing in particular.
I sat at the steps of the plaza and stared at the flickering illuminating lights on the trees.
My body grew colder and colder as I sat there and I eventually came to a decision. I stood up after puffing out a breath of white air.
I checked the time and it hadn’t been very long since Yukinoshita’s departure.
The station front was boisterous consisting of many people heading home, shoppers, and students on their back from their clubs.
But oddly enough, it felt quiet to me.
I left the plaza and stepped into the congestion of people. Even so, the voices around me and the Christmas carols didn’t register in my ears. The only thing I could clearly hear was my exhaling breaths.
I languidly walked down the sidewalk. I couldn’t move my legs forward as much as I wanted to, perhaps due to bumping against the crowd of people leaving the station.
There were people who had stopped in place as well as cars driving by on the street. It might’ve been because they were here to pick up people at the station or they were the cars going in and out of the nearby parking structure.
One car amongst them honked its horn. Don’t honk in the middle of city… I made an annoyed look in its direction as did a few others.
Ahead of where I looked was a black sports car with an oval front that wasn’t a very common sight in this area. That car slowly drove up to my side and the window on the left side of the car rolled down.
“Hikigaya, what are you doing here?
The face that appeared behind the window was Hiratsuka-sensei.
“Oh, well, I was on my way home… I’d ask you the same, sensei. What are you doing here?”
I somehow came across someone I wasn’t expecting at a surprising place like this. Upon asking, she showed a smile. “There’s only about a week left until the event, right? I figured I’d come to see how you guys were faring, but you guys were already done by the time I arrived. I was on my way home until I spotted you in the crowd.”
“Quite the all-seeing eyes you have, huh?”
“When you’re forced to do student counseling, you can’t help but notice students in their uniforms in the city.” She grinned as though in self-deprecation. Then, she motioned her hand towards the passenger’s seat. “Since we met, why don’t I give you a ride home?
“No, you don’t have to.”
“It’s fine, hop on board. A car’s already coming up behind me.” Hiratsuka-sensei said, hurrying me. I looked at the back and a car had driven up right behind her. And since she already asked, I had to get in.
Reluctantly, I tried to get in the car, but there was only one door on the left side. This must be one of those two-seater cars. I ended up going around to the other side. Speaking of which, the steering wheel is on the left side, huh…?
I got inside and took a seat. While I put on the seat belt, I glanced around the car. The seats and the dashboard were of fine leather while the odometers and the wheel were dressed with aluminum with a metallic shine. What the heck is this? This is crazy cool.
“Did you have a car like this? This isn’t the one from summer break…”
When she gave us a ride to Chiba Village back then, I recall her using one of those common minivans…
“Yeah, that one was a rental car. This guy is my beloved car.”
She happily hit the wheel with her fist as she spoke. The way she was boasting like that made her look so much like a handsome man. But for a single woman to own such a fancy looking two-seater car… I get the feeling that her interest in these kinds of things was one of the main reasons why she can’t get married…
The aforementioned beloved car made low revving sounds and drove off.
After giving her a rough idea of where my house was, she nodded and turned the wheel. The fastest way there was to take the national highway from here.
But when I looked at where the car lights were shining, we weren’t headed for the highway.
I looked over at the driver’s seat in confusion. Hiratsuka-sensei puffed the cigarette in her mouth as she looked forward and spoke.
“Do you mind if we take a little detour?”
“Sure.”
I couldn’t really complain since I was getting a ride home. I wasn’t sure where we were going, but as long I managed to make it home, I didn’t mind.
In the meantime, I laid back against the seat and rested my chin in my hands with my elbows on the window frame. There seemed to be a slight onset of fog as there was an orange hue mixed in with the street lights visible from the car.
At my feet, the vents were releasing warm air. I yawned several times, the warmth comforting my chilly body.
Hiratsuka-sensei was speechless as she handled the wheel beside me, but instead, hummed with a quiet voice. The melody of her faint breaths resembled a lullaby that I found myself naturally shutting my eyes. She was handling the car so carefully despite being a sports car that the vibrations felt like a shaking cradle.
A night drive to an unknown destination.
As I was dozing off, the car eventually came to a gradual stop.
I made a quick look around and it was a road with nothing to it; what stood out were the equally spaced street lights and the lights of the cars driving past on the opposite lane.
“We’re here,” she said, and got out of the car.
Where is “here” exactly…? I thought, and got out as well.
Suddenly, my nose was assaulted by the smell of the sea. And then, after seeing the glow of the new city ahead, I guessed at the location. Nearby was the Bay of Tokyo and we were currently on top of the bridge hovering over the mouth to the Bay. For us Sobu High students, this was a spot where we would hold a marathon rally in February marked as a checkpoint. On the handrails of the bridge were the scribbles of couples and I remember scoffing at it very well.
When we went out to the sidewalk, Hiratsuka-sensei tossed me a can of coffee. I was close to dropping it due to how dark it was, but I somehow managed to catch it. The can I grabbed was still warm.
Hiratsuka-sensei leaned against her car and as she puffed her cigarette, she opened the can of coffee with one hand. That appearance of hers was oddly fitting.
“You look kind of cool”
“I am trying to look cool, after all.”
I was trying to poke fun at her, but she sent back a nihilistic smile. Oh please, I really will think you’re cool if you make a smile like that.
I turned towards the sea, finding it embarrassing to look at her any longer.
The seat at night was entrenched in darkness. Thanks to the miniscule source of light on the surface, I could see the water waving back and forth. It looked so terribly gentle that it made me think the water would never look that way anymore once it stopped.
While staring at the water in fixation, Hiratsuka-sensei spoke.
“So, how are things coming along?”
What exactly was she asking about? I wasn’t quite sure since there was no context, but given the season, I thought she was talking about the Christmas event.
“Rather bad.”
“…Hmm.” She looked away to breath out smoke and then turned back. “What’s bad?”
“It depends on what you’re asking…”
“Well, try talking for a bit.”
“In that case…”
As I contemplated where to start, I opened my mouth.
First, the largest problem I needed to discuss was time. I don’t think it’s possible to turn the situation over with only one week left.
And another problem that followed was the causes of how we lost all that time. This obstructed our process. On one hand, Tamanawa unconditionally listened to the opinions of others. On the other, Isshiki continued to seek them. With these two at the center of everything, too much time was lost.Oregairu_v09_223
To improve the situation, we could either throw the task onto someone else or possibly adjust their mindset, but both seemed rather unlikely.
For the former, there wasn’t anyone used to the position in the first place. The people who were just helping were acting reserved thinking that they should avoid going out to the front disregarding the student council president. Even the student council members in question were probably thinking they should stay below the president.
As for changing Isshiki and Tamanawa’s mindset, that was difficult as well.
The time those two had been student president was shallow. That’s why their lack of experience was something that couldn’t be avoided. The problem was that as leaders, they didn’t have a vision. They couldn’t see a vision for success. But, instead, they could see one where they failed. They became the president and once they failed the burden with the big task of cooperating with another school and for the region, it would be over. They were probably afraid of that.
There were plenty of times where you’d trip over yourself on the big stage. Only the ones saying that failing was part of the experience were outsiders, for the actual deed was unpleasant to the person in question.
The people from the safe zone would speak of things like “try harder next time” and “everyone fails at some point”. They’d say things like that. But there were times when there wasn’t a next time because that first failure would carry over to the next opportunity, turning that into a failure as well. The words “it’s okay to fail” were truly irresponsible words. The responsibility of failure was always something of no worth to the person who failed.
For those with a considerable imagination, they easily understood that there were things that they shouldn’t fail at. It was likely that both Tamanawa and Isshiki were capable of that.
That’s why they sought for people’s opinions as well as incorporated them. All for the sake of sharing the responsibility when they failed.
It was doubtful anyone would say “it’s your fault” directly to someone. But it was likely they would do so internally to console themselves.
The acts of reporting, contacting, consulting, compromising, and confirming were to increase the number of related parties, all just to share one’s own responsibility. If they could turn the entire failure into everybody’s responsibility, they could reduce the burden on their hearts one by one.
They are unable to shoulder the responsibility themselves which is why they attempt to obtain the opinions of others.
And that was the reason why this event was stagnating right now. Who at the top or who at the bottom would shoulder the burden? Not deciding that right from the beginning was a mistake.
“Well, that’s more or less the situation…”
I wasn’t confident I managed to get all the issues across very well. But I talked for quite a bit of the things I thought of.
Hiratsuka-sensei listened to me in silence the entire time. As soon as I finished, she made a complicated look and nodded. “…You’re quite observant. You’re quite impressive when it comes to reading the mentality of others.”
That wasn’t true. Those were just the selfish thoughts I’d have were I in their place instead. I tried to deny it, but Hiratsuka-sensei interrupted me by erecting her index finger. She then looked into my eyes and slowly spoke.
“However, you don’t understand how they feel.”
My breathing stopped. My voice, my words, and even a sigh wouldn’t come out. It felt like she struck at the heart of the matter. I then realized the true identity behind the thing I, the thing Hikigaya Hachiman tried to understand, but couldn’t.
It was supposed to have been something I was told a long while back. “You need to consider the feelings of others more. Even though you understand everything else, why don’t you understand that?” It felt like I was told that.
Unable to answer, Hiratsuka-sensei spoke as she crushed her cigarette in her ashtray.
“A person’s thoughts don’t always reflect their feelings. That’s the reason why you end up with a result that seems unfair to you at times. And that’s why Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and you come up with the wrong answers.”
“…Um, they’re not very relevant to this right now, are they?” I said, dumbfounded by their sudden mention. I wasn’t in the mood to talk or think about them right now. Hiratsuka-sensei shot me a glare.
“I was asking about them from the beginning,” she said, sounding displeased and lit another cigarette. That’s true, she didn’t exactly say what she was asking about before. I was the one who started off on the Christmas event.
“But either way, it all boils down to the same thing. The root of both problems is just one thing: it’s the human heart.”
Hiratsuka-sensei exhaled the smoke. Its shape turned hazy and quickly disappeared.
Heart. Feelings. Thoughts.
I followed the dispersing smoke with my eyes because I felt I might’ve been able to still see something.
But I was just being conceited. I ultimately didn’t see anything. I thought I was thinking about the feelings of others, but the only thing I could see was what was visible to my eyes. I acted on something that was the truth even though it was nothing more than an assumption. Just how was that any different from self-satisfaction?
If that’s how it is, I would never be able to understand.
“But… is that really something you can understand just by thinking about it?”
If it’s thinking about the merits, demerits, risks, and returns of things, I could understand. I know I could.
Desire and self-protection, hatred from jealousy. I could analyze the mentality of the actions that were grounded on those abundant, repulsive emotions. That’s because I had plenty of those ugly feelings inside of me. That’s why it was simple to imagine. If they were similar things, then there was still room to understand it. I could explain using logic.
But if there’s no logic, it’s too hard.
Without the concept of profit and loss, it was hard to imagine the feelings of people who went beyond logic and theory. I had too little to go on and above all else, I had committed too many mistakes up until now.
Good will, friendship, or even love; they were all things I had been mistaken with. I was sure that I was mistaken with them even now as I thought about them.
A mail would come, our bodies would come into contact accidentally, we would smile at each other when our eyes meet in class, a rumor that someone liked me running amok, we would talk a lot even though our seats being next to each other was just a coincidence, we would always go home at the same time; during that, I was mistaken.
Even… Even in the off chance that I was correct about them.
I didn’t have confidence I could continue believing in that. I could put aside all the agreeable judgment factors and pose every possible obstacle, but even so, that kind of thought wasn’t something I could call genuine.
If it was something continually changing, then the correct answer didn’t exist there. I thought you definitely wouldn’t be able to bring out an answer.
Hiratsuka-sensei listened to my words and made a faint smile and after that, she focused on me with a strict look.
“Don’t understand? Then think about it more. If all you can do is calculate, then keep going until you can’t. Come up with all the answers you can and eliminate them one by one. The last one is your answer.”
Her look was filled with passion. But what she was saying was irrational. No, it didn’t even have logic to it.
For someone who could only make conjectures through reason and calculation, then he just had to see through it all until he couldn’t anymore. She was saying to get rid of all the possibilities one by one through the process of elimination.
Just how inefficient and pointless was that? On top of that, there’s no proof that there would be an answer. I was both shocked and surprised that I couldn’t come up with any words.
“…There are still going to be things you won’t understand though, right?”
“Then you’re either reasoning things wrong or you’re overlooking something. That just means you’re calculating things wrong or you overlooked something. Sounds like you’ll have to change your approach,” she said, nonchalantly throwing in a joke. She stated so matter-of-factually that I let out a dry laugh.
“You’re so absurd…”
“Fool, if you could calculate your feelings, they’d all be digitized by now… The remaining answer you can’t calculate is what they call human emotion.”
The tone she used to speak those words was rough, but kind.
Like Hiratsuka-sensei said, I thought there were things that couldn’t be calculated. Even if you tried, there were things like the pi number or the infinitely recurring decimal that existed.
However, that wasn’t something you use to abandon your thoughts. It’s exactly because you didn’t have an answer that you continued to think. That was far from repose, as it was more akin to torture.
Just imagining made chills run up my spine. Unknowingly, I was adjusting the collars of my coat. When I did, Hiratsuka-sensei chuckled as she looked at me.
“Well, I imagine that’s the reason why I can’t get married because I made that kind of mistake with my reasoning… You see, my friend had a wedding ceremony some time ago…” she said, wearing a self-inflicting smile.
Had this been any other situation, I would’ve poked fun at her by saying something random.
But I didn’t feel like doing that today.
“Not at all, it just means your partners can’t see what’s good.”
“Huh…? Th-That’s rather out of left field, hm?” she mumbled embarrassingly with a look of surprise and looked away.
But I wasn’t flattering her. Because I felt from the bottom of my heart that if I was born ten years earlier, I would’ve fallen head over heels for her. Though, there really wasn’t any meaning in an assumption like that.
I lost touch with my thoughts and I couldn’t help but smile. Similarly, Hiratsuka-sensei laughed. After a moment, she cleared her throat. “W-Well, fine. I’ll give you a special hint as gratitude for your compliment.”
After saying that, she turned to me with an expression with sincerity unlike her smiling one earlier. In response to her persuasive tone, I straightened my back and faced Hiratsuka-sensei. When I sent a look indicating I was ready to listen, Hiratsuka-sensei slowly spoke.
“When you’re thinking, don’t confuse the things you should be thinking about.”
“Right…”
So she said, but it didn’t seem to be relevant. It was too abstract that it was more like a no hint. Hiratsuka-sensei tilted her head in contemplation when she looked at my face that didn’t seem to understand.
“I suppose… For example, let’s consider the reason why you’re helping Isshiki as an individual and not the Service Club. Is this for the club or is it for Yukinoshita?”
In the abrupt example, the sudden name she brought up startled me. Reflexively, I faced Hiratsuka-sensei and she had a bitter smile.
“I can tell just by looking. Yukinoshita came to inform me regarding the matter with Isshiki… She’s not one to talk about herself, but judging from her behavior, I thought that might’ve been it. Does the same apply to you?”
“Ahh, I don’t know about that…”
I shot out some words as I dug around for the words I should’ve said, but Hiratsuka-sensei didn’t wait and continued on.
“If you’re holding the same thoughts, then you would arrive at an answer that kept your distance from them in order not to hurt them… possibly. That was just an example, however.”
“…Well, I suppose so. It was just an example.”
It was just an example. I was told that and I answered with that. It was simply a case study and the things Hiratsuka-sensei said weren’t the truth for how I was now.
Hiratsuka-sensei then nodded at me in confirmation.
“But that’s not what you should be thinking about. In this case, what you should be thinking about is why you don’t want to hurt anyone. And the answer should immediately come to you. ───It’s because they’re dear to you that you don’t want to hurt them.”
As she looked at my eyes, Hiratsuka-sensei added those final words. It was as if she wouldn’t allow me to make an objection, let alone avert my eyes.
Hiratsuka-sensei’s face which was lit up by the orange street lights and the flashing by car lights looked lonesome somewhere. Then, she whispered in a soft, warmhearted voice.
“But you have to understand, Hikigaya. You can’t avoid hurting others. People unconsciously hurt others just by being alive. Whether you’re living or dying, you’re always hurting someone. You hurt someone if you decide to get involved with them, but at the same time, you still might end up hurting someone by deciding not to get involved with them…”
After saying that, Hiratsuka-sensei took out another cigarette. She stared at the cigarette and she continued further.
“But if it’s someone you don’t care about, you won’t even notice. What you need is awareness. It’s exactly because you care about someone that you’ll feel that you had hurt them.”
Once she finished, she finally put the cigarette in her mouth. The snapping sound of rocks rubbing against each other came from the lighter and it faintly lit up Hiratsuka-sensei’s face. Her eyes were closed as if she was asleep and it was a very gentle expression. She then let out a big breath along with smoke and added.
“To cherish someone means to have the resolve to hurt them.”
What she was looking up at was the sky.
I looked in the same direction as her, wondering what she was thinking at this moment. What was there was the slight glimpse of moonlight shining through the opening from the clearing of clouds at some point or another.
“That’s all you get for a hint.”
Saying that, Hiratsuka-sensei moved from the car she was leaning on and showed me a grinning smile. She then stretched.
“It’s because both parties think of each other that there are things they can’t obtain. However, that’s not something to be sad about. It might even be something to be proud of.”
That was very beautiful. But that was all there was to it. To be thinking about it yet unable to obtain it, for it to be in front of you yet your hands wouldn’t reach, that was surely painful. Then you might as well just give up on thinking about it and looking at it.
As I thought that, I couldn’t help but ask.
“…Isn’t that really painful?”
“Yeah, it’s painful,” Hiratsuka-sensei said. She took a step closer and leaned on the car again. “…But it’s possible. After all, I managed to get through it.” She grinned with apparent determination.
Hiratsuka-sensei said so with a grin, a smile that looked determined somehow. I doubt she’d tell me everything, but I’m sure a lot happened in the past for her. I wasn’t sure if it was okay for me to ask. Perhaps, once I became an adult, she’d talk to me about it? In noticing how I was looking forward to that, I instinctively averted my face and gave her an insult.
“You’re being kind of arrogant if you think others can do what you can, you know.”
“…Not very cute, are you?”
When she said so annoyingly, she brushed my head in an iron claw fashion. I could feel the pain in my skull and as I struggled, the strength suddenly went away. However, her hand was still on my head.
“…I’ll be honest with you.”
The tone of her voice was deeper than the one she used earlier to talk. Because my head was held in place, I could only move my eyes to look at Hiratsuka-sensei and she had a slightly sad smile.
“It really doesn’t have to be you. Someday, Yukinoshita will change and she might even meet someone that can understand her. There might be someone who can take the extra step for her. The same could be said of Yuigahama as well.”
Just when would that be? It seemed like something so far into the future that it wasn’t realistic at all, yet at the same time, it seemed so close that I felt it was awfully real.
“I’m sure you guys feel that your time now is everything. But that’s not true at all. It’ll eventually make sense to you. After all, that’s how the world is made.”
Those words were probably correct. Someday, somewhere, someone would definitely step over the line for her. When I thought about that unsteady truth, I recalled the slight pain inside me and I twisted my body to brush it off.
At some point, the hand on my head was gone and was now on my shoulder. Hiratsuka-sensei’s voice sounded much closer than it did before.
“…It’s just that I hope you could be that someone for her. I’m hoping that Yuigahama and you will be able to step over that line for Yukinoshita.”
“…Telling me that isn’t going to–”
In that instant when I tried to reply, Hiratsuka-sensei gently embraced my shoulder. The faint warmth from our closed distance caused me to lose my words. Stiffening up to that sudden movement, Hiratsuka-sensei looked into my face as she spoke.
“Your time now isn’t everything…. But, there are things you can only do now… It’s now, Hikigaya… Now’s the time.”
I couldn’t look away from her moist eyes. Right now, I didn’t have an answer that could answer only to that earnest look. That’s why I stood there, unable to answer.
Hiratsuka-sensei’s hands that held my shoulders had more power in it.
“Think, struggle, stumble, and worry───It’s not genuine otherwise,” she said, and quickly let go. Then, she wore her typical cool and refreshing smile, indicating the lecture was over. The stiffness in my body had finally disappeared.
The rain of words struck me and lodged in my chest were many, many voices. However, I wouldn’t spit those out. This was probably something I had to think myself, filter, and then swallow.
That’s why I’ll say something different and in place of gratitude, abusive words.
“…I don’t think you can call it genuine because it makes you suffer, though.”
“You really aren’t cute at all.”
Hiratsuka-sensei amusingly laughed and hit my head from behind.
“…Well then, why don’t we be on our way? Hop on board.”
After saying that, Hiratsuka-sensei sat at the driver’s seat. I answered with a “roger” and went around to the passenger’s seat.
In the middle of that, I quickly looked up at the sky.
The moon that should’ve peeked out in the clearing of the clouds was already hidden. The night sea didn’t see a single illumination and the chilly wind that pierced my cheeks was cold.
Even so, surprisingly, it didn’t feel as cold as it should’ve been as a feeling of warmth still lingered in my body.
I sank into the living room sofa, and I could hear the long hand of the clock on the wall ticking and ticking.
I made a casual look at it and the small hand was pointing at midnight.
It’s been some time since Hiratsuka-sensei had took me home.
My parents and Komachi already had their dinners and were locked away in their rooms. Kamakura was likely dozing off in Komachi’s room as well.
The kotatsu, perhaps being an old model, would occasionally buzz. No one was using it, yet it was still turned on. I stood up and unplugged it, returning back to the sofa I was resting in earlier.
As it turned out, the room being chilly was helpful. I didn’t get sleepy and most of all, my head was as clear as the cold sky.
Hiratsuka-sensei, without a doubt, had given me a hint. Of course, today wasn’t the only hint; she had given me numerous hints before. Hiratsuka-sensei most certainly did give me a hint. That was likely not limited to only today as it was also something she had continued to tell me up until now. But every single one of them, I either overlooked them, misinterpreted them, or was conflicted with them. So I needed to rethink everything over again, all from the very beginning.
I needed to establish and scrutinize the problem once again.
The biggest recent obstacle was, of course, the Christmas collaboration event. Despite acting as a helper for the event, it was well on its way towards collapse.
In addition, the issues with Isshiki Iroha came to light. Although I was the one who forced her into becoming the president, she wasn’t demonstrating her capabilities as the president at all.
Also, Tsumuri Rumi’s situation was thrown into the mix. I don’t know what kind of effects my actions had on her during summer at Chiba Village. But she was by no means in a favorable position in the present moment.
And lastly… And lastly was the problem with the Service Club.
Only, for this final problem, whenever I’d think about how to solve it, my chest would itch and anything like a solution wouldn’t come to mind. But as far as this last problem’s concerned, just thinking about it made my chest feel murky and something resembling a solution wouldn’t come to mind. I’d cycle through the same resigned expression, the same forcibly, bright smile, and those words she told me at the very end over and over again all so I could procure a clue as to how.
I was so wrapped up in that that I had been wasting time for a while now. This was a problem that should be left for later.
For the other three problems, they were easy to understand because they had clear goals to strive for.
The first problem was to get Isshiki to perform her duties as the Student Council President in this event. The next problem was to make Tsurumi Rumi be able to show that smile even if she’s alone or even if she’s with someone else. And the third problem was to cooperate with Kaihin Sogo High and Tamanawa in order to carry out the event with realistic expectations.
If these could problems could be resolved, we should be able to have a working solution.
I arranged the problems from my head as though I was planting my own death flags, looking for the most optimal solution. The converging point for all the problems was the Christmas collaboration event. That’s where the three problems could be summed together.
So I just needed to think of a way to make the event a success as ideally as possible.
But after working the entire week, I was aware that wasn’t an easy feat. I won’t think I could do something about the situation alone. I even spoke with Tamanawa several times hoping to improve on the situation.
What should I do? Ask for help?
That being the case, the only one who I could really ask was Komachi.
But she was preparing for her upcoming exams, so there’s no way I could bother her now. With her exams just about two months away, there’s no way I could ask for her help. There’s no way I could obstruct the turning point of her life.
Who else was there? Zaimokuza? I could bother him without feeling too bad about it. And I bet he didn’t have anything better to do anyway. But if I take into consideration the groups involved, I don’t think Zaimokuza would function properly. He’s already terrible with communication as it is, so I could only imagine it being worse with people from another school.
…No, I know it’s not his fault.
The responsibility was mine and the cause lied with me.
It’s unbelievable how weak I was.
Why did I immediately try to look to others for help? I felt I could be forgiven if I asked help just once. But because I misunderstood that, I tried to quickly lean on others.
When exactly did I become this weak?
I’m sure the bonds between people were some kind of narcotic. You unknowingly became dependent on those bonds, your heart gradually deteriorating for every incident. Eventually, you couldn’t help but be dependent on people, ultimately being unable to do anything by yourself.
Could it be that while I thought I was helping people, I was only causing them to suffer instead? Was I just giving birth to people who couldn’t stand on their own two feet unless with external assistance?
Our goal was supposed to teach them how to fish, not to give them one.
Easily giving away something was undoubtedly a sham. I’m sure if you could easy give away something, it could also be taken away just as easily in the same vein.
During the Student Council election, Komachi provided me a reason. I acted back then under that stance to maintain the Service Club for Komachi’s sake.
That’s why I was probably wrong at that time.
I should have acted not for her, but with my own answer, my own reason, that I found for myself.
Even now, I was searching for a reason to act from someone. For Isshiki’s sake, for Rumi’s sake, for the event’s sake.
Would they even serve as my reasons to act? I felt I was mistaken about the prerequisites for that. I was thinking about the wrong thing.
I needed to start from the top so I could distinguish between what’s right and what’s wrong.
For what reason did I act the entire time? What was it? I took my thoughts from earlier and contemplated them backwards.
Isshiki Iroha and Tsumuri Rumi were the reasons why I needed to make the Christmas event a success. And I directly involved myself in helping with the event due to forcing Isshiki into the role of president during the Student Council election. That, too, was to keep Yukinoshita and Yuigahama from becoming the president in her place. But why did I not want them to become the president? I was given a reason, a stance, by Komachi, but the real reason was…
Because there was something I wanted.
I’m sure in the past, it was the one thing I truly wanted. Anything else I could do without. Anything else I even hated. But I began to be under the impression that it didn’t exist because I wasn’t able to obtain it in its entirety.
But I felt I could see it. I felt I could touch it.
That’s why I was wrong.
I made the question. Now I needed to think, to think of my answer to that question.
I don’t know how much time I spent brooding over my question. But the blue night began to dissolve, replaced by a faintly whitening sky in the meanwhile.
I kept thinking and thinking, and I couldn’t come up with a single method, strategy, plan, or anything at all. No form of logic, theory, reason, or sophistry came to mind.
───That’s why. That’s why I think this was the answer I was looking for.
× × ×
It was after school in the classroom. I stretched my body at my desk. Lightly moving my body caused my neck and waist to crack.
Last night, I ultimately didn’t get much sleep and headed to school. As soon as I made it to my seat, I fell forward on my desk. I ignored most of my classes.
However, my conscious was rather clear.
I was still dubious of the answer I thought of after spending the entire night. Whether it was really the right one I was looking for, I wasn’t sure.
However, I couldn’t think of anything else.
After one final, big breath out, I stood up from my seat.
I was headed to just one place.
I left the classroom and walked in the hallway.
The empty hallway that looked bleak now didn’t bother me. My blood had been flowing awfully fast the entire time that it made me feel needlessly hot. I couldn’t hear the wind knocking on the windows nor could I hear the distant voices of the various sports clubs. I couldn’t hear anything else over the words that I needed to say, continuously repeating them over and over in my heart.
Eventually, I could see the door that connected to my destination. It was shut, emitting a heavy silence.
I stood before the door and briefly stabilized my breathing. Then, I made two to three knocks on the door. To this day, I had yet to knock on the door before entering the club. However, today was different as I was here with a purpose, so it’d be proper and formal to knock this time around.
Though I waited for a moment, no voice answered my knocks.
I knocked one more time.
“Come in…”
I was answered with an audible, but fleeting voice. So that’s what she sounds like. I never noticed, but this is how she sounds from beyond a single door, huh? Once I was acknowledged, I held the handle of the door.
The door racketed as I opened it. It felt heavy. Was it really this heavy before? I used my strength to forcibly open the door.
I went inside and the terribly surprised faces of the two were sitting in their same positions as always.
“Hikki, what’s wrong? You usually don’t knock.”
With her cellphone gripped in her hands like usual, Yuighama Yui had a puzzled look.
Yukinoshita Yukino slid her bookmark into her unfinished book and set it on the table. She then focused on it, casting her eyes downwards.
Not to anyone in particular, she whispered as though quietly mumbling to herself, “…Didn’t I tell you that you don’t need to force yourself to come anymore?”
I waited quietly for her to finish, all so I didn’t let her voice slip by.
“…I know, but I have some business here,” I answered briefly. Yukinoshita didn’t say any further as I stood there idly. A silence then filled the room as though an angel had graced the earth.
“O-Okay, why don’t you take a seat first?” Yuigahama said, determined. Both Yukinoshita and I sent her a look.
I nodded and pulled the closest chair to me. After taking a seat, sitting right before me was Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. Oh, so this is what people see when they come to our club to consult with us and make requests. The seat which I had always sat in, diagonally across from Yukinoshita, was currently occupied by no one.
“What’s wrong…? Aren’t you sitting farther than usual?”
That should be a given. After all, I wasn’t here as a club member, but as a client.
I thought, thought, and thought, and I arrived at only one answer.
The moment you were wrong, that was your answer. You couldn’t solve the same problem over.
But you should definitely be able to question it again. That’s why, from now on, I’d start accumulating the correct answer one by one using the right methods and by taking the right steps. That’s the only thing I could think of.
I let out a big breath and focused on Yukinoshita and Yuigahama.
“I want to make a request.”
These words which I continued to regurgitate inside my heart repeatedly came out far smoother than I had imagined.
Perhaps that’s why Yuigahama had such a relieved look when she listened to me.
“Hikki, you’re finally gonna talk to us…”
Yuigahama smiled warmly. Yukinoshita, however, had a completely different expression. Her eyes were looking at me, yet it felt like she wasn’t focusing on me at all. The way she looked at me like that caused my voice to gradually grow weaker.
“It’s regarding the Christmas event with Isshiki the other day. It’s turning out to be a lot worse than I imagined, so I wanted your help…”
I managed to wring out my words and Yukinoshita dropped her gaze, replying with hesitation. “But…”
“No, I know what you want to say,” I said rapidly, interrupting her before she could turn me down. “I know I took up the requuest on my own. I even said it wouldn’t help her in the long run, but I’m still the one who forced her to become the president. All the problems lie with me.”
It’d be extremely bad if I was turned down here. I didn’t prepare anything that could hope to convince Yukinoshita, but even so, I had to avoid getting rejected here. I gave the few reasons and listed them out to her.
“Do you remember the elementary kid from Chiba Village? She actually hasn’t changed at all…”
“Oh… Do you mean Rumi-chan?” Yuigahama made a difficult face. The incident with her in the past wasn’t a good memory for anyone. Not a single individual was saved, rather, everyone was forced to deal with the worst result ever.
That was how I did things the entire time. But that’s where I was wrong again. That’s why, I desperately spat out my words so I wouldn’t make that mistake once more.
“That’s why I want to do something for her. I know things turned out the way they did because of what I did, and I know I’m being presumptuous, but I still want your help.”
After I finished, I looked at Yukinoshita. She squeezed the fists she had on the table even harder.
“So you’re saying… you’re at fault?”
“…Yeah, I can’t deny it.”
Directly or indirectly, my actions were the cause of everything. That was an infallible truth. Upon answering her, she quietly lowered her eyes and bit her lips.
“I see…” she said, her voice resembling a sigh and lifted her face. Her eyes that were slightly moist looked at me for an instant, but were quickly averted. After taking a moment to search for the words she wanted to say, she spoke with a cold tone.
“…However, if you think the responsibility is yours and only yours alone, isn’t it something you ought to solve on your own?”
Those words caused me to choke for a moment. But I knew I couldn’t stay silent, so I somehow managed to bring out a husky voice. “…Right. Sorry, forget I even asked.”
Now I had lost all my options. I didn’t have anything else in mind. And most of all, Yukinoshita was someone grounded on the fundamental truth, so what she was saying was right.
It made sense to me enough. At least, logically.
I stood up looking to leave the clubroom. But in that moment, I was stopped by a passionate voice.
“Wait.”
The voice reverberated in the quiet and cold room.
With damp eyes, Yuigahama looked at Yukinoshita and me.
“That can’t be right. Why the heck do things have to be that way? It makes no sense,” Yuigahama said, her voice trembling. Compared to the two of us who were logically satisfied, she judged it otherwise without a single reason.
To see her like that was so fitting of her that my cheeks slackened. As she wore that weak smile, I slowly opened my mouth as though to explain to a child, though wondering who exactly it was that I was trying to persuade.
“No, it does… It’s only natural to figure out your own problems.”
“…I suppose so.” Yukinoshita agreed, only after taking a moment.
We both replied and Yuigahama quickly shook her head and retorted. “That’s wrong. The both of you are saying completely different things.”
When I looked at Yuigahama to see that she was making a face that was on the verge of tears, my chest tightened and I wanted to remove my gaze from her. But her kind voice wouldn’t allow me to.
“Look, Hikki, you’re not the only one responsible. I mean, you did think up of all the ideas and even carried them out, but we’re just as responsible, too. We’re the ones who forced you to do all the work…”
“…No, you got that wrong.”
I scrambled for the words I needed to tell Yuigahama who was hanging her head. They didn’t push the work onto me at all. In fact, they helped me quite a lot.
However, she lifted her head to look at me, still showing that weeping expression.
“No, I didn’t. You’re not the only one responsible for why things ended up this way. I am, too…” Yuigahama looked over at Yukinoshita’s face. Her gaze implied that there was one other person guilty as well.
Yukinoshita directly returned her gaze, however, she didn’t utter a single word. Her lips were tightly sealed shut.
Pressured, Yuigahama lowered her voice and mumbled, “…You’re being unfair with what you’re saying, Yukinon.”
Her voice may have been docile, but her gaze was firmly locked onto Yukinoshita. Her sincere eyes looked even aggressive.
Yukinoshita didn’t break away from their locked gazes. She took a moment wondering whether she should say anything and responded with a subdued, but sharp tone.
“So you bring that up now…? You’re unfair as well,” Yukinoshita said.
Yuigahama slightly bit her lips. Their gazes went back and forth as though they were glaring each other down.
“Hang on, I’m not here to talk about that.”
Digging out the culprit and placing the blame on him was pointless. I don’t want some kind of pretense where everyone was at fault. I was here to talk about something entirely else.
Not so I could see a quarrel between Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, especially with those expressions they had.
My voice, however, just didn’t reach them. Despite that, my still voice didn’t reach them. Though they looked at each other in diffidence, their words continued to flow out without stopping.
Yuigahama swallowed her breath, her white throat trembling. She faced Yukinoshita with moist eyes and spoke on.
“It’s because you never said anything, Yukinon… There are things we won’t understand if you don’t tell us anything.”
“…You didn’t say anything, either. You would just keep talking as if nothing was wrong.”
Yukinoshita’s voice was cold. Her expression resembled a congealed sculpture that simply and indifferently laid out only the truth. What she was speaking about was likely the time we spent together in the past few days.
“That’s why… I thought if you– I thought if the both of you wanted things to stay this way, then…”
Her murmur was so soft that it could disappear and Yuigahama choked on her words.
The freezing and hollow clubroom simply waited for the end of time to come. That, too, was something Yukinoshita had felt herself.
Both Yuigahama and I, however, had willfully swallowed that temporary nonsense. And by doing that, it might’ve coerced Yukinoshita into acting the same way.
Everyone was the same for not saying the truth. We were here, unable to say a single thing about the things we wanted.
Both she and I had been too indulgent on each other, on how we were supposed to be.
Our ideals and our understanding should’ve been completely separate things, too.
“…We won’t understand if you don’t tell us anything, huh?”
Those very words Yuigahama uttered pulled at my heart. There were things you wouldn’t understand if you don’t say anything. There’s no mistake about that. However, would you really understand if you say something?
Yuigahama turned to me after hearing the words I leaked out. Yukinoshita continued looking downwards. The words I slipped out caused Yuigahama to face my way. I opened my mouth as though urged by Yuigahama’s gaze.
“But that doesn’t mean we’ll understand just by talking things through.”
“That’s not…”
Yuigahama’s mouth distorted sorrowfully. It looked like tears were close to trickling down from the corner of her eyes. That’s why I spoke as gently as I could to avoid that.
“…I know for sure I won’t take anything I was told at face value. It’s because I might start thinking that there’s more to it, that there are circumstances behind it.”
After all, Yukinoshita was an individual of a few words. Even Yuigahama would be indecisive with her words to try to smooth things over.
On top of that, I was plagued with the habit of looking deeper into what people say.
So when Yukinoshita declared herself as a candidate for the election, I wouldn’t have taken her words at face value even if she told me straightforwardly that she wanted to do it. I’d try to think of other reasons for her declaration to find what it was that she was truly aiming for and ultimately, I think I’d end up being mistaken.
People looked only at the things they wanted to see in the same way of the things they wanted to hear. I was no exception.
Yuigahama rubbed her eyes and passionately lifted her face. “But if we just talk to each other enough, if we just made sure to talk with you Hikki, I…”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I said, slowly shaking my head to her.
Anyone could say, “I don’t understand if you don’t say anything.” They’d stomach these borrowed words of a stranger and tell others despite being ignorant of what it was they wanted to say, what they wanted to get across, and the pain they had to go through.
There were things that wouldn’t get across even if you said something as well as things that would collapse once you said something.
“It’s arrogance to think saying things out loud is enough to understand. It’s self-satisfaction for the speaker and conceit for the listener… There’s a lot more going on than that and you won’t always come to an understanding just by talking things through. That’s why words aren’t what I want,” I said, feeling my body slightly shake. I made a quick glance outside the window and evening was gradually looming closer and closer. Because of that, the room was starting to get colder.
Although Yukinoshita was silent the entire time, she hugged her shoulders as though to warm herself up.
Yuigahama sniffed and wiped her eyes. Then, she spoke with a teary voice.
“But how we will ever understand if we never talk to each other…?”
“Yeah… Thinking you can understand without talking to each other is delusional. But… I…”
My eyes wandered as I looked for the words I wanted to continue with.
However, I couldn’t find those words no matter where I looked. The only things reflected in my eyes were just the red eyes that were frantically rubbed over and over again, and the profile with long eyelashes that continued to look downwards.
And suddenly, that sight blurred.
“I…”
I started again, but still unable to find the words.
Just what was I supposed to say? I had already said what I wanted to say, the things I had felt and the things that I thought of. I posed the question so I could start from the top. I was supposed to have thought of the words to make that happen. Now, there was nothing left. I had no more options.
───Ahh, so that’s how it is. The things I tried to say were ultimately, regardless of where I was and regardless of how much I considered, were just my thoughts, my calculations, my measures, and my strategies.
But I still continued to look for the words I wanted to say, the words I needed to say despite not having an ounce of understanding after all that thinking. It’s not like they’d understand just because I said something, too. Saying anything would just be pointless.
I didn’t want words. But there was certainly something else that I wanted.
I didn’t want mutual understanding, friendship, dialogue, companionship; none of those things. I don’t want to be understood. I already know that I’m not and I don’t dare to think I want to be. I wanted something far more cruel and relentless. I wanted to understand. I want to understand. I want to know, I want to gain peace of mind for knowing. It’s because I’m terrified of not knowing these things. It’s terribly self-righteous, egotistic, and arrogant of me to wish for complete understanding. It’s truly wretched and repulsive. It just makes me absolutely disgusted myself for even wanting that.
However, what if… what if we felt the same way?
What if a relationship where we could force that unsightly self-satisfaction onto each other, a relationship that could allow for that arrogance existed?
I know that’s absolutely impossible. I know it’s out of my reach.
The grape that my hands couldn’t reach was, without a doubt, sour.
But I don’t need fruits that were so unbelievably sweet. I don’t need a sham of an understanding nor do I need a deceitful relationship.
What I wanted was that sour grape.
Even if it’s sour, even if it’s bitter, even if it’s disgusting, even if it’s poisonous, even if it’s nonexistent, even if it’s untouchable, even if I couldn’t wish for it.
“Even so…”
I could tell my voice was shaking.
“Even so, I…”
I desperately held in the feeling of wanting to break into a sob. Even though I had swallowed my voice and words, they continued to come out in bits and pieces. My teeth would grind noisily and the words were squeezed out on their own.
“I want something genuine.”
The corners of my eyes were hot and my sight was blurring. I could only hear the sound of my breathing.
Both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama looked at my face with a surprised one of their own.
How unsightly. To demand things of other people in such a tearful and pathetic voice. I didn’t want to accept this kind of self. I didn’t want to show it. I didn’t want anyone to see it. Even the things I said were incoherent. There wasn’t any logic or cause and effect anywhere. This was just a bunch of nonsense.
My wet and hot breaths caused my throat to shake. During that, I suppressed my voice that I felt was going to leak out.
“Hikki…”
Yuigahama called me and gently extended her hand. However, the distance between us wasn’t close enough for her to come into contact. Her stretched hand wouldn’t reach and she weakly dropped it.
It wasn’t just her hand. I wasn’t sure if her words had reached me either.
What exactly could you understand from these words? They’d never understand even if I said them. But having said them was self-satisfaction itself. Or possibly, it was the deception that we detested. It might just have been completely worthless sham.
However, no matter how much I thought, an answer didn’t come out. I didn’t even know what I should do. That’s why the last thing left was this worthless wish of mine.
“I… don’t understand.”
Yukinoshita’s voice was quiet. She held her shoulders, squeezing them tighter, and her expression distorted into pain.
“I’m sorry.”
With a quick mutter, she stood up from her seat and briskly made for the door without making so much the slightest look at us.
“Yukinon!”
Yuigahama tried to chase after her and stood up. But worried about me, she turned around.
I sat there, only watching.
I watched Yukinoshita leave the room in a daze with my blurred vision and I let out the pent up hot breaths in my chest.
I might’ve been relieved somehow, feeling how it was finally over.
“Hikki.” Yuigahama grabbed my arm as I spaced out. She pulled me, trying to get me to my feet. Yuigahama brought her face close to mine, looking straight into my eyes with hers mixed with tears. “…We need to go after her.”
“No, but…”
My conclusion was already out. The words I needed to say and the thoughts I wanted to get across were no more. I let out a self-derisive smile and I averted my face from Yuigahama.
However, Yuigahama didn’t withdraw.
“We need to go together…! Yukinon said she didn’t understand. I think she probably doesn’t even know why she doesn’t understand… Even I don’t get it. But look! We can’t let things end this way! This is our only chance to talk to her! I’ve never seen Yukinon like that before! That’s why we need to go after her now…”
When she said that, she let go of my arm and then grasped my hand. The hand she strongly squeezed mine with was hot.
Again, Yuigahama pulled my hand along. It wasn’t as strong as the pull from earlier. It was a frailty that was trying to confirm and test something. I was sure even Yuigahama didn’t know what to do either. With our hands still together, she looked up at my face anxiously.
That’s why I gently brushed her hands away.
From that, Yuigahama’s hands dropped weakly and her face was about to burst into tears.
But that’s not what it was. It’s not that I didn’t want to take someone’s hand because I was uneasy. It’s not that I wanted someone to support me because I couldn’t walk on my own. To hold hands was something for an even more different occasion.
Right now, I’ll walk with my own feet.
“…I can walk on my own. Let’s go.”
After I said that, I headed for the door.
“Y-Yeah!”
From behind was the following footsteps and voice. After confirming that, I opened the door and went into the hallway.
When I did, the figure of a person stiffly in place quickly came into view. It was Isshiki Iroha.
“Ah, Senpai… ahh, um, I wanted to call out to you, but…”
Isshiki was in a fluster as she tried to say things, but right now wasn’t the time to be bothered with Isshiki.
“Iroha-chan? Sorry, can we talk later?”
Yuigahama apologized and quickly ran off. I was about to follow after her as well, but Isshiki stopped me.
“S-Senpai, there’s no meeting today! I came here to say that… A-Also–”
“Yeah, got it.”
I didn’t listen to Isshiki’s words until the end and I answered randomly. I was about to dash off towards Yuigahama who was waiting ahead. But there, the sleeve of my blazer was pulled on.
When I took a look to see what it was, Isshiki had a resigned face and let out a sigh. She then pointed upwards.
“Please hear me out… Yukinoshita-senpai went upstairs!”
“Sorry, and thanks.”
After I thanked Isshiki, I quickly called out to Yuigahama.
“Yuigahama, she’s above us.”
Yuigahama quickly rushed back and we both climbed up the stairs of the special building.
Above likely was referring to the open hallway.
The hallway that connected the school building and the special building was something like a rooftop with a missing roof on the fourth floor. During the winter season, this floor wasn’t particularly used by the students during this time of the season because it was exposed to the cold winds.
After we climbed the stairs, we made it to the plateau of the open hallway.
The afterglow from the west was obstructed by the special building and the evening sun dyed past the glass of the hallway. The sky in the east was beginning to darken.
The open corridor was in the rift of the twilight and Yukinoshita was there.
Yukinoshita was leaning against the handrail and seemed to be in a daze. Her hair danced with the chilly wind. The evening light illuminated her lustrous black hair and the whiteness of her skin. Her eyes shaded with anxiety were directed far towards the cluster of buildings that began to show its night brilliance.
“Yukinon!”
Yuigahama rushed over to Yukinoshita. I followed after her, walking along slowly. I was still catching my breath because we had run straight up the stairs without resting.
“Yukinoshita…”
I called her with a disconnected voice, but Yukinoshita didn’t turn around.
Even so, it looked my voice had reached her as she spoke in a shuddering, small voice.
“…I don’t understand.”
She voiced those words again.
When she uttered them, my feet stopped.
The chilly wind blew past as if dividing us apart. Yukinoshita slowly turned around as if that wind was agitating to her. Her moist eyes didn’t have any strength as she stood there strongly squeezing her clutched hands that pressed against her bosom.
Yukinoshita asked me with a raspy voice, not bothering to adjust her hair that was disturbed by the wind.
“What exactly do you mean by ‘genuine’?”
“That’s…”
Even I didn’t understand it too well. To this day, I have yet to see it for myself, let alone touch it. That’s why I was still here, not knowing whether that thing was something I could say “that was it”. Of course, there was no way that other people would understand. Even so, it’s something that I was wishing for.
As I stood there unable to answer, as if to make it up for me, Yuigahama took a step forward and placed her hand on Yukinoshita’s shoulder.
“Yukinon, it’s okay.”
“…What is?”
When Yukinoshita added, Yuigahama made a troubled but an embarrassed grin.
“I honestly don’t get it, either…”
Yuigahama rubbed her bun hair trying to play it off and she retracted her laugh. She took one step closer to Yukinoshita and she placed her other hand on Yukinoshita’s shoulder. And then, Yuigahama gazed at Yukinoshita directly opposite of her.
“I’m sure we’ll figure something out if we just talk it through. But, like, I’m sure we’ll still not get what it is, though. So, like, maybe we’ll never understand, but, I think that could work, too… Okay, I really don’t get it… But you know… I…”
On Yuigahama’s cheeks were a flow of tears.
“I hate how we are our right now…”
Yuigahama said and hugged Yukinoshita’s shoulders that she pulled closer and began to sob as if the string of tension was cut. Unable to embrace her back, Yukinoshita let out a sigh and her lips trembled.
I looked away from those two for just a little.
No matter how much I thought, that answer, those words were the only thing that came out. Just how could she, how could Yuigahama say those words like that?
Like someone who could only wield a theory drenched with a contradicting falsehood in a roundabout way?
Like someone who couldn’t put into words properly their thoughts and instead stayed silent?
Nothing could be conveyed without words, yet there was a mistake because there were words. So what exactly could we understand then?
Yukinoshita Yukino’s held beliefs. Yuigahama Yui’s sought relationship. Hikigaya Hachiman’s desired genuine thing.
Just how different were these, I was here without knowing.
However, those honest tears were enough to tell me. That this time right now wasn’t a mistake at all.
Yukinoshita caressed Yuigahama’s hair while she was pressed against her shoulders.
“Why are you crying…? You really are… unfair.”
After saying that, Yukinoshita pressed her face against Yuigahama’s shoulders like an embrace. I could overhear them softly sobbing.
Both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama supported each other where they stood. Eventually, Yukinoshita breathed out and raised her face.
“…Hikigaya-kun.”
“Yeah,” I answered, and waited for her to continue. Although she wasn’t looking at me directly, I could feel a strong and resolute will in her voice.
“I accept your request.”
“…Sorry.”
I slightly bowed my head. It was such a short word, yet my voice was close to shivering. When I lifted my head, Yuigahama also lifted her head from Yukinoshita’s shoulders.
“I’ll help too…” Yuigahama said, turning towards me with a trembling voice. When our eyes met, she smiled with wet eyes.
“…Thanks,” I said, and made a meaningless look up at the sky.
Across the sky before me was the blotting of orange.
I sat at the steps of the plaza and stared at the flickering illuminating lights on the trees.
My body grew colder and colder as I sat there and I eventually came to a decision. I stood up after puffing out a breath of white air.
I checked the time and it hadn’t been very long since Yukinoshita’s departure.
The station front was boisterous consisting of many people heading home, shoppers, and students on their back from their clubs.
But oddly enough, it felt quiet to me.
I left the plaza and stepped into the congestion of people. Even so, the voices around me and the Christmas carols didn’t register in my ears. The only thing I could clearly hear was my exhaling breaths.
I languidly walked down the sidewalk. I couldn’t move my legs forward as much as I wanted to, perhaps due to bumping against the crowd of people leaving the station.
There were people who had stopped in place as well as cars driving by on the street. It might’ve been because they were here to pick up people at the station or they were the cars going in and out of the nearby parking structure.
One car amongst them honked its horn. Don’t honk in the middle of city… I made an annoyed look in its direction as did a few others.
Ahead of where I looked was a black sports car with an oval front that wasn’t a very common sight in this area. That car slowly drove up to my side and the window on the left side of the car rolled down.
“Hikigaya, what are you doing here?
The face that appeared behind the window was Hiratsuka-sensei.
“Oh, well, I was on my way home… I’d ask you the same, sensei. What are you doing here?”
I somehow came across someone I wasn’t expecting at a surprising place like this. Upon asking, she showed a smile. “There’s only about a week left until the event, right? I figured I’d come to see how you guys were faring, but you guys were already done by the time I arrived. I was on my way home until I spotted you in the crowd.”
“Quite the all-seeing eyes you have, huh?”
“When you’re forced to do student counseling, you can’t help but notice students in their uniforms in the city.” She grinned as though in self-deprecation. Then, she motioned her hand towards the passenger’s seat. “Since we met, why don’t I give you a ride home?
“No, you don’t have to.”
“It’s fine, hop on board. A car’s already coming up behind me.” Hiratsuka-sensei said, hurrying me. I looked at the back and a car had driven up right behind her. And since she already asked, I had to get in.
Reluctantly, I tried to get in the car, but there was only one door on the left side. This must be one of those two-seater cars. I ended up going around to the other side. Speaking of which, the steering wheel is on the left side, huh…?
I got inside and took a seat. While I put on the seat belt, I glanced around the car. The seats and the dashboard were of fine leather while the odometers and the wheel were dressed with aluminum with a metallic shine. What the heck is this? This is crazy cool.
“Did you have a car like this? This isn’t the one from summer break…”
When she gave us a ride to Chiba Village back then, I recall her using one of those common minivans…
“Yeah, that one was a rental car. This guy is my beloved car.”
She happily hit the wheel with her fist as she spoke. The way she was boasting like that made her look so much like a handsome man. But for a single woman to own such a fancy looking two-seater car… I get the feeling that her interest in these kinds of things was one of the main reasons why she can’t get married…
The aforementioned beloved car made low revving sounds and drove off.
After giving her a rough idea of where my house was, she nodded and turned the wheel. The fastest way there was to take the national highway from here.
But when I looked at where the car lights were shining, we weren’t headed for the highway.
I looked over at the driver’s seat in confusion. Hiratsuka-sensei puffed the cigarette in her mouth as she looked forward and spoke.
“Do you mind if we take a little detour?”
“Sure.”
I couldn’t really complain since I was getting a ride home. I wasn’t sure where we were going, but as long I managed to make it home, I didn’t mind.
In the meantime, I laid back against the seat and rested my chin in my hands with my elbows on the window frame. There seemed to be a slight onset of fog as there was an orange hue mixed in with the street lights visible from the car.
At my feet, the vents were releasing warm air. I yawned several times, the warmth comforting my chilly body.
Hiratsuka-sensei was speechless as she handled the wheel beside me, but instead, hummed with a quiet voice. The melody of her faint breaths resembled a lullaby that I found myself naturally shutting my eyes. She was handling the car so carefully despite being a sports car that the vibrations felt like a shaking cradle.
A night drive to an unknown destination.
As I was dozing off, the car eventually came to a gradual stop.
I made a quick look around and it was a road with nothing to it; what stood out were the equally spaced street lights and the lights of the cars driving past on the opposite lane.
“We’re here,” she said, and got out of the car.
Where is “here” exactly…? I thought, and got out as well.
Suddenly, my nose was assaulted by the smell of the sea. And then, after seeing the glow of the new city ahead, I guessed at the location. Nearby was the Bay of Tokyo and we were currently on top of the bridge hovering over the mouth to the Bay. For us Sobu High students, this was a spot where we would hold a marathon rally in February marked as a checkpoint. On the handrails of the bridge were the scribbles of couples and I remember scoffing at it very well.
When we went out to the sidewalk, Hiratsuka-sensei tossed me a can of coffee. I was close to dropping it due to how dark it was, but I somehow managed to catch it. The can I grabbed was still warm.
Hiratsuka-sensei leaned against her car and as she puffed her cigarette, she opened the can of coffee with one hand. That appearance of hers was oddly fitting.
“You look kind of cool”
“I am trying to look cool, after all.”
I was trying to poke fun at her, but she sent back a nihilistic smile. Oh please, I really will think you’re cool if you make a smile like that.
I turned towards the sea, finding it embarrassing to look at her any longer.
The seat at night was entrenched in darkness. Thanks to the miniscule source of light on the surface, I could see the water waving back and forth. It looked so terribly gentle that it made me think the water would never look that way anymore once it stopped.
While staring at the water in fixation, Hiratsuka-sensei spoke.
“So, how are things coming along?”
What exactly was she asking about? I wasn’t quite sure since there was no context, but given the season, I thought she was talking about the Christmas event.
“Rather bad.”
“…Hmm.” She looked away to breath out smoke and then turned back. “What’s bad?”
“It depends on what you’re asking…”
“Well, try talking for a bit.”
“In that case…”
As I contemplated where to start, I opened my mouth.
First, the largest problem I needed to discuss was time. I don’t think it’s possible to turn the situation over with only one week left.
And another problem that followed was the causes of how we lost all that time. This obstructed our process. On one hand, Tamanawa unconditionally listened to the opinions of others. On the other, Isshiki continued to seek them. With these two at the center of everything, too much time was lost.Oregairu_v09_223
To improve the situation, we could either throw the task onto someone else or possibly adjust their mindset, but both seemed rather unlikely.
For the former, there wasn’t anyone used to the position in the first place. The people who were just helping were acting reserved thinking that they should avoid going out to the front disregarding the student council president. Even the student council members in question were probably thinking they should stay below the president.
As for changing Isshiki and Tamanawa’s mindset, that was difficult as well.
The time those two had been student president was shallow. That’s why their lack of experience was something that couldn’t be avoided. The problem was that as leaders, they didn’t have a vision. They couldn’t see a vision for success. But, instead, they could see one where they failed. They became the president and once they failed the burden with the big task of cooperating with another school and for the region, it would be over. They were probably afraid of that.
There were plenty of times where you’d trip over yourself on the big stage. Only the ones saying that failing was part of the experience were outsiders, for the actual deed was unpleasant to the person in question.
The people from the safe zone would speak of things like “try harder next time” and “everyone fails at some point”. They’d say things like that. But there were times when there wasn’t a next time because that first failure would carry over to the next opportunity, turning that into a failure as well. The words “it’s okay to fail” were truly irresponsible words. The responsibility of failure was always something of no worth to the person who failed.
For those with a considerable imagination, they easily understood that there were things that they shouldn’t fail at. It was likely that both Tamanawa and Isshiki were capable of that.
That’s why they sought for people’s opinions as well as incorporated them. All for the sake of sharing the responsibility when they failed.
It was doubtful anyone would say “it’s your fault” directly to someone. But it was likely they would do so internally to console themselves.
The acts of reporting, contacting, consulting, compromising, and confirming were to increase the number of related parties, all just to share one’s own responsibility. If they could turn the entire failure into everybody’s responsibility, they could reduce the burden on their hearts one by one.
They are unable to shoulder the responsibility themselves which is why they attempt to obtain the opinions of others.
And that was the reason why this event was stagnating right now. Who at the top or who at the bottom would shoulder the burden? Not deciding that right from the beginning was a mistake.
“Well, that’s more or less the situation…”
I wasn’t confident I managed to get all the issues across very well. But I talked for quite a bit of the things I thought of.
Hiratsuka-sensei listened to me in silence the entire time. As soon as I finished, she made a complicated look and nodded. “…You’re quite observant. You’re quite impressive when it comes to reading the mentality of others.”
That wasn’t true. Those were just the selfish thoughts I’d have were I in their place instead. I tried to deny it, but Hiratsuka-sensei interrupted me by erecting her index finger. She then looked into my eyes and slowly spoke.
“However, you don’t understand how they feel.”
My breathing stopped. My voice, my words, and even a sigh wouldn’t come out. It felt like she struck at the heart of the matter. I then realized the true identity behind the thing I, the thing Hikigaya Hachiman tried to understand, but couldn’t.
It was supposed to have been something I was told a long while back. “You need to consider the feelings of others more. Even though you understand everything else, why don’t you understand that?” It felt like I was told that.
Unable to answer, Hiratsuka-sensei spoke as she crushed her cigarette in her ashtray.
“A person’s thoughts don’t always reflect their feelings. That’s the reason why you end up with a result that seems unfair to you at times. And that’s why Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and you come up with the wrong answers.”
“…Um, they’re not very relevant to this right now, are they?” I said, dumbfounded by their sudden mention. I wasn’t in the mood to talk or think about them right now. Hiratsuka-sensei shot me a glare.
“I was asking about them from the beginning,” she said, sounding displeased and lit another cigarette. That’s true, she didn’t exactly say what she was asking about before. I was the one who started off on the Christmas event.
“But either way, it all boils down to the same thing. The root of both problems is just one thing: it’s the human heart.”
Hiratsuka-sensei exhaled the smoke. Its shape turned hazy and quickly disappeared.
Heart. Feelings. Thoughts.
I followed the dispersing smoke with my eyes because I felt I might’ve been able to still see something.
But I was just being conceited. I ultimately didn’t see anything. I thought I was thinking about the feelings of others, but the only thing I could see was what was visible to my eyes. I acted on something that was the truth even though it was nothing more than an assumption. Just how was that any different from self-satisfaction?
If that’s how it is, I would never be able to understand.
“But… is that really something you can understand just by thinking about it?”
If it’s thinking about the merits, demerits, risks, and returns of things, I could understand. I know I could.
Desire and self-protection, hatred from jealousy. I could analyze the mentality of the actions that were grounded on those abundant, repulsive emotions. That’s because I had plenty of those ugly feelings inside of me. That’s why it was simple to imagine. If they were similar things, then there was still room to understand it. I could explain using logic.
But if there’s no logic, it’s too hard.
Without the concept of profit and loss, it was hard to imagine the feelings of people who went beyond logic and theory. I had too little to go on and above all else, I had committed too many mistakes up until now.
Good will, friendship, or even love; they were all things I had been mistaken with. I was sure that I was mistaken with them even now as I thought about them.
A mail would come, our bodies would come into contact accidentally, we would smile at each other when our eyes meet in class, a rumor that someone liked me running amok, we would talk a lot even though our seats being next to each other was just a coincidence, we would always go home at the same time; during that, I was mistaken.
Even… Even in the off chance that I was correct about them.
I didn’t have confidence I could continue believing in that. I could put aside all the agreeable judgment factors and pose every possible obstacle, but even so, that kind of thought wasn’t something I could call genuine.
If it was something continually changing, then the correct answer didn’t exist there. I thought you definitely wouldn’t be able to bring out an answer.
Hiratsuka-sensei listened to my words and made a faint smile and after that, she focused on me with a strict look.
“Don’t understand? Then think about it more. If all you can do is calculate, then keep going until you can’t. Come up with all the answers you can and eliminate them one by one. The last one is your answer.”
Her look was filled with passion. But what she was saying was irrational. No, it didn’t even have logic to it.
For someone who could only make conjectures through reason and calculation, then he just had to see through it all until he couldn’t anymore. She was saying to get rid of all the possibilities one by one through the process of elimination.
Just how inefficient and pointless was that? On top of that, there’s no proof that there would be an answer. I was both shocked and surprised that I couldn’t come up with any words.
“…There are still going to be things you won’t understand though, right?”
“Then you’re either reasoning things wrong or you’re overlooking something. That just means you’re calculating things wrong or you overlooked something. Sounds like you’ll have to change your approach,” she said, nonchalantly throwing in a joke. She stated so matter-of-factually that I let out a dry laugh.
“You’re so absurd…”
“Fool, if you could calculate your feelings, they’d all be digitized by now… The remaining answer you can’t calculate is what they call human emotion.”
The tone she used to speak those words was rough, but kind.
Like Hiratsuka-sensei said, I thought there were things that couldn’t be calculated. Even if you tried, there were things like the pi number or the infinitely recurring decimal that existed.
However, that wasn’t something you use to abandon your thoughts. It’s exactly because you didn’t have an answer that you continued to think. That was far from repose, as it was more akin to torture.
Just imagining made chills run up my spine. Unknowingly, I was adjusting the collars of my coat. When I did, Hiratsuka-sensei chuckled as she looked at me.
“Well, I imagine that’s the reason why I can’t get married because I made that kind of mistake with my reasoning… You see, my friend had a wedding ceremony some time ago…” she said, wearing a self-inflicting smile.
Had this been any other situation, I would’ve poked fun at her by saying something random.
But I didn’t feel like doing that today.
“Not at all, it just means your partners can’t see what’s good.”
“Huh…? Th-That’s rather out of left field, hm?” she mumbled embarrassingly with a look of surprise and looked away.
But I wasn’t flattering her. Because I felt from the bottom of my heart that if I was born ten years earlier, I would’ve fallen head over heels for her. Though, there really wasn’t any meaning in an assumption like that.
I lost touch with my thoughts and I couldn’t help but smile. Similarly, Hiratsuka-sensei laughed. After a moment, she cleared her throat. “W-Well, fine. I’ll give you a special hint as gratitude for your compliment.”
After saying that, she turned to me with an expression with sincerity unlike her smiling one earlier. In response to her persuasive tone, I straightened my back and faced Hiratsuka-sensei. When I sent a look indicating I was ready to listen, Hiratsuka-sensei slowly spoke.
“When you’re thinking, don’t confuse the things you should be thinking about.”
“Right…”
So she said, but it didn’t seem to be relevant. It was too abstract that it was more like a no hint. Hiratsuka-sensei tilted her head in contemplation when she looked at my face that didn’t seem to understand.
“I suppose… For example, let’s consider the reason why you’re helping Isshiki as an individual and not the Service Club. Is this for the club or is it for Yukinoshita?”
In the abrupt example, the sudden name she brought up startled me. Reflexively, I faced Hiratsuka-sensei and she had a bitter smile.
“I can tell just by looking. Yukinoshita came to inform me regarding the matter with Isshiki… She’s not one to talk about herself, but judging from her behavior, I thought that might’ve been it. Does the same apply to you?”
“Ahh, I don’t know about that…”
I shot out some words as I dug around for the words I should’ve said, but Hiratsuka-sensei didn’t wait and continued on.
“If you’re holding the same thoughts, then you would arrive at an answer that kept your distance from them in order not to hurt them… possibly. That was just an example, however.”
“…Well, I suppose so. It was just an example.”
It was just an example. I was told that and I answered with that. It was simply a case study and the things Hiratsuka-sensei said weren’t the truth for how I was now.
Hiratsuka-sensei then nodded at me in confirmation.
“But that’s not what you should be thinking about. In this case, what you should be thinking about is why you don’t want to hurt anyone. And the answer should immediately come to you. ───It’s because they’re dear to you that you don’t want to hurt them.”
As she looked at my eyes, Hiratsuka-sensei added those final words. It was as if she wouldn’t allow me to make an objection, let alone avert my eyes.
Hiratsuka-sensei’s face which was lit up by the orange street lights and the flashing by car lights looked lonesome somewhere. Then, she whispered in a soft, warmhearted voice.
“But you have to understand, Hikigaya. You can’t avoid hurting others. People unconsciously hurt others just by being alive. Whether you’re living or dying, you’re always hurting someone. You hurt someone if you decide to get involved with them, but at the same time, you still might end up hurting someone by deciding not to get involved with them…”
After saying that, Hiratsuka-sensei took out another cigarette. She stared at the cigarette and she continued further.
“But if it’s someone you don’t care about, you won’t even notice. What you need is awareness. It’s exactly because you care about someone that you’ll feel that you had hurt them.”
Once she finished, she finally put the cigarette in her mouth. The snapping sound of rocks rubbing against each other came from the lighter and it faintly lit up Hiratsuka-sensei’s face. Her eyes were closed as if she was asleep and it was a very gentle expression. She then let out a big breath along with smoke and added.
“To cherish someone means to have the resolve to hurt them.”
What she was looking up at was the sky.
I looked in the same direction as her, wondering what she was thinking at this moment. What was there was the slight glimpse of moonlight shining through the opening from the clearing of clouds at some point or another.
“That’s all you get for a hint.”
Saying that, Hiratsuka-sensei moved from the car she was leaning on and showed me a grinning smile. She then stretched.
“It’s because both parties think of each other that there are things they can’t obtain. However, that’s not something to be sad about. It might even be something to be proud of.”
That was very beautiful. But that was all there was to it. To be thinking about it yet unable to obtain it, for it to be in front of you yet your hands wouldn’t reach, that was surely painful. Then you might as well just give up on thinking about it and looking at it.
As I thought that, I couldn’t help but ask.
“…Isn’t that really painful?”
“Yeah, it’s painful,” Hiratsuka-sensei said. She took a step closer and leaned on the car again. “…But it’s possible. After all, I managed to get through it.” She grinned with apparent determination.
Hiratsuka-sensei said so with a grin, a smile that looked determined somehow. I doubt she’d tell me everything, but I’m sure a lot happened in the past for her. I wasn’t sure if it was okay for me to ask. Perhaps, once I became an adult, she’d talk to me about it? In noticing how I was looking forward to that, I instinctively averted my face and gave her an insult.
“You’re being kind of arrogant if you think others can do what you can, you know.”
“…Not very cute, are you?”
When she said so annoyingly, she brushed my head in an iron claw fashion. I could feel the pain in my skull and as I struggled, the strength suddenly went away. However, her hand was still on my head.
“…I’ll be honest with you.”
The tone of her voice was deeper than the one she used earlier to talk. Because my head was held in place, I could only move my eyes to look at Hiratsuka-sensei and she had a slightly sad smile.
“It really doesn’t have to be you. Someday, Yukinoshita will change and she might even meet someone that can understand her. There might be someone who can take the extra step for her. The same could be said of Yuigahama as well.”
Just when would that be? It seemed like something so far into the future that it wasn’t realistic at all, yet at the same time, it seemed so close that I felt it was awfully real.
“I’m sure you guys feel that your time now is everything. But that’s not true at all. It’ll eventually make sense to you. After all, that’s how the world is made.”
Those words were probably correct. Someday, somewhere, someone would definitely step over the line for her. When I thought about that unsteady truth, I recalled the slight pain inside me and I twisted my body to brush it off.
At some point, the hand on my head was gone and was now on my shoulder. Hiratsuka-sensei’s voice sounded much closer than it did before.
“…It’s just that I hope you could be that someone for her. I’m hoping that Yuigahama and you will be able to step over that line for Yukinoshita.”
“…Telling me that isn’t going to–”
In that instant when I tried to reply, Hiratsuka-sensei gently embraced my shoulder. The faint warmth from our closed distance caused me to lose my words. Stiffening up to that sudden movement, Hiratsuka-sensei looked into my face as she spoke.
“Your time now isn’t everything…. But, there are things you can only do now… It’s now, Hikigaya… Now’s the time.”
I couldn’t look away from her moist eyes. Right now, I didn’t have an answer that could answer only to that earnest look. That’s why I stood there, unable to answer.
Hiratsuka-sensei’s hands that held my shoulders had more power in it.
“Think, struggle, stumble, and worry───It’s not genuine otherwise,” she said, and quickly let go. Then, she wore her typical cool and refreshing smile, indicating the lecture was over. The stiffness in my body had finally disappeared.
The rain of words struck me and lodged in my chest were many, many voices. However, I wouldn’t spit those out. This was probably something I had to think myself, filter, and then swallow.
That’s why I’ll say something different and in place of gratitude, abusive words.
“…I don’t think you can call it genuine because it makes you suffer, though.”
“You really aren’t cute at all.”
Hiratsuka-sensei amusingly laughed and hit my head from behind.
“…Well then, why don’t we be on our way? Hop on board.”
After saying that, Hiratsuka-sensei sat at the driver’s seat. I answered with a “roger” and went around to the passenger’s seat.
In the middle of that, I quickly looked up at the sky.
The moon that should’ve peeked out in the clearing of the clouds was already hidden. The night sea didn’t see a single illumination and the chilly wind that pierced my cheeks was cold.
Even so, surprisingly, it didn’t feel as cold as it should’ve been as a feeling of warmth still lingered in my body.
I sank into the living room sofa, and I could hear the long hand of the clock on the wall ticking and ticking.
I made a casual look at it and the small hand was pointing at midnight.
It’s been some time since Hiratsuka-sensei had took me home.
My parents and Komachi already had their dinners and were locked away in their rooms. Kamakura was likely dozing off in Komachi’s room as well.
The kotatsu, perhaps being an old model, would occasionally buzz. No one was using it, yet it was still turned on. I stood up and unplugged it, returning back to the sofa I was resting in earlier.
As it turned out, the room being chilly was helpful. I didn’t get sleepy and most of all, my head was as clear as the cold sky.
Hiratsuka-sensei, without a doubt, had given me a hint. Of course, today wasn’t the only hint; she had given me numerous hints before. Hiratsuka-sensei most certainly did give me a hint. That was likely not limited to only today as it was also something she had continued to tell me up until now. But every single one of them, I either overlooked them, misinterpreted them, or was conflicted with them. So I needed to rethink everything over again, all from the very beginning.
I needed to establish and scrutinize the problem once again.
The biggest recent obstacle was, of course, the Christmas collaboration event. Despite acting as a helper for the event, it was well on its way towards collapse.
In addition, the issues with Isshiki Iroha came to light. Although I was the one who forced her into becoming the president, she wasn’t demonstrating her capabilities as the president at all.
Also, Tsumuri Rumi’s situation was thrown into the mix. I don’t know what kind of effects my actions had on her during summer at Chiba Village. But she was by no means in a favorable position in the present moment.
And lastly… And lastly was the problem with the Service Club.
Only, for this final problem, whenever I’d think about how to solve it, my chest would itch and anything like a solution wouldn’t come to mind. But as far as this last problem’s concerned, just thinking about it made my chest feel murky and something resembling a solution wouldn’t come to mind. I’d cycle through the same resigned expression, the same forcibly, bright smile, and those words she told me at the very end over and over again all so I could procure a clue as to how.
I was so wrapped up in that that I had been wasting time for a while now. This was a problem that should be left for later.
For the other three problems, they were easy to understand because they had clear goals to strive for.
The first problem was to get Isshiki to perform her duties as the Student Council President in this event. The next problem was to make Tsurumi Rumi be able to show that smile even if she’s alone or even if she’s with someone else. And the third problem was to cooperate with Kaihin Sogo High and Tamanawa in order to carry out the event with realistic expectations.
If these could problems could be resolved, we should be able to have a working solution.
I arranged the problems from my head as though I was planting my own death flags, looking for the most optimal solution. The converging point for all the problems was the Christmas collaboration event. That’s where the three problems could be summed together.
So I just needed to think of a way to make the event a success as ideally as possible.
But after working the entire week, I was aware that wasn’t an easy feat. I won’t think I could do something about the situation alone. I even spoke with Tamanawa several times hoping to improve on the situation.
What should I do? Ask for help?
That being the case, the only one who I could really ask was Komachi.
But she was preparing for her upcoming exams, so there’s no way I could bother her now. With her exams just about two months away, there’s no way I could ask for her help. There’s no way I could obstruct the turning point of her life.
Who else was there? Zaimokuza? I could bother him without feeling too bad about it. And I bet he didn’t have anything better to do anyway. But if I take into consideration the groups involved, I don’t think Zaimokuza would function properly. He’s already terrible with communication as it is, so I could only imagine it being worse with people from another school.
…No, I know it’s not his fault.
The responsibility was mine and the cause lied with me.
It’s unbelievable how weak I was.
Why did I immediately try to look to others for help? I felt I could be forgiven if I asked help just once. But because I misunderstood that, I tried to quickly lean on others.
When exactly did I become this weak?
I’m sure the bonds between people were some kind of narcotic. You unknowingly became dependent on those bonds, your heart gradually deteriorating for every incident. Eventually, you couldn’t help but be dependent on people, ultimately being unable to do anything by yourself.
Could it be that while I thought I was helping people, I was only causing them to suffer instead? Was I just giving birth to people who couldn’t stand on their own two feet unless with external assistance?
Our goal was supposed to teach them how to fish, not to give them one.
Easily giving away something was undoubtedly a sham. I’m sure if you could easy give away something, it could also be taken away just as easily in the same vein.
During the Student Council election, Komachi provided me a reason. I acted back then under that stance to maintain the Service Club for Komachi’s sake.
That’s why I was probably wrong at that time.
I should have acted not for her, but with my own answer, my own reason, that I found for myself.
Even now, I was searching for a reason to act from someone. For Isshiki’s sake, for Rumi’s sake, for the event’s sake.
Would they even serve as my reasons to act? I felt I was mistaken about the prerequisites for that. I was thinking about the wrong thing.
I needed to start from the top so I could distinguish between what’s right and what’s wrong.
For what reason did I act the entire time? What was it? I took my thoughts from earlier and contemplated them backwards.
Isshiki Iroha and Tsumuri Rumi were the reasons why I needed to make the Christmas event a success. And I directly involved myself in helping with the event due to forcing Isshiki into the role of president during the Student Council election. That, too, was to keep Yukinoshita and Yuigahama from becoming the president in her place. But why did I not want them to become the president? I was given a reason, a stance, by Komachi, but the real reason was…
Because there was something I wanted.
I’m sure in the past, it was the one thing I truly wanted. Anything else I could do without. Anything else I even hated. But I began to be under the impression that it didn’t exist because I wasn’t able to obtain it in its entirety.
But I felt I could see it. I felt I could touch it.
That’s why I was wrong.
I made the question. Now I needed to think, to think of my answer to that question.
I don’t know how much time I spent brooding over my question. But the blue night began to dissolve, replaced by a faintly whitening sky in the meanwhile.
I kept thinking and thinking, and I couldn’t come up with a single method, strategy, plan, or anything at all. No form of logic, theory, reason, or sophistry came to mind.
───That’s why. That’s why I think this was the answer I was looking for.
× × ×
It was after school in the classroom. I stretched my body at my desk. Lightly moving my body caused my neck and waist to crack.
Last night, I ultimately didn’t get much sleep and headed to school. As soon as I made it to my seat, I fell forward on my desk. I ignored most of my classes.
However, my conscious was rather clear.
I was still dubious of the answer I thought of after spending the entire night. Whether it was really the right one I was looking for, I wasn’t sure.
However, I couldn’t think of anything else.
After one final, big breath out, I stood up from my seat.
I was headed to just one place.
I left the classroom and walked in the hallway.
The empty hallway that looked bleak now didn’t bother me. My blood had been flowing awfully fast the entire time that it made me feel needlessly hot. I couldn’t hear the wind knocking on the windows nor could I hear the distant voices of the various sports clubs. I couldn’t hear anything else over the words that I needed to say, continuously repeating them over and over in my heart.
Eventually, I could see the door that connected to my destination. It was shut, emitting a heavy silence.
I stood before the door and briefly stabilized my breathing. Then, I made two to three knocks on the door. To this day, I had yet to knock on the door before entering the club. However, today was different as I was here with a purpose, so it’d be proper and formal to knock this time around.
Though I waited for a moment, no voice answered my knocks.
I knocked one more time.
“Come in…”
I was answered with an audible, but fleeting voice. So that’s what she sounds like. I never noticed, but this is how she sounds from beyond a single door, huh? Once I was acknowledged, I held the handle of the door.
The door racketed as I opened it. It felt heavy. Was it really this heavy before? I used my strength to forcibly open the door.
I went inside and the terribly surprised faces of the two were sitting in their same positions as always.
“Hikki, what’s wrong? You usually don’t knock.”
With her cellphone gripped in her hands like usual, Yuighama Yui had a puzzled look.
Yukinoshita Yukino slid her bookmark into her unfinished book and set it on the table. She then focused on it, casting her eyes downwards.
Not to anyone in particular, she whispered as though quietly mumbling to herself, “…Didn’t I tell you that you don’t need to force yourself to come anymore?”
I waited quietly for her to finish, all so I didn’t let her voice slip by.
“…I know, but I have some business here,” I answered briefly. Yukinoshita didn’t say any further as I stood there idly. A silence then filled the room as though an angel had graced the earth.
“O-Okay, why don’t you take a seat first?” Yuigahama said, determined. Both Yukinoshita and I sent her a look.
I nodded and pulled the closest chair to me. After taking a seat, sitting right before me was Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. Oh, so this is what people see when they come to our club to consult with us and make requests. The seat which I had always sat in, diagonally across from Yukinoshita, was currently occupied by no one.
“What’s wrong…? Aren’t you sitting farther than usual?”
That should be a given. After all, I wasn’t here as a club member, but as a client.
I thought, thought, and thought, and I arrived at only one answer.
The moment you were wrong, that was your answer. You couldn’t solve the same problem over.
But you should definitely be able to question it again. That’s why, from now on, I’d start accumulating the correct answer one by one using the right methods and by taking the right steps. That’s the only thing I could think of.
I let out a big breath and focused on Yukinoshita and Yuigahama.
“I want to make a request.”
These words which I continued to regurgitate inside my heart repeatedly came out far smoother than I had imagined.
Perhaps that’s why Yuigahama had such a relieved look when she listened to me.
“Hikki, you’re finally gonna talk to us…”
Yuigahama smiled warmly. Yukinoshita, however, had a completely different expression. Her eyes were looking at me, yet it felt like she wasn’t focusing on me at all. The way she looked at me like that caused my voice to gradually grow weaker.
“It’s regarding the Christmas event with Isshiki the other day. It’s turning out to be a lot worse than I imagined, so I wanted your help…”
I managed to wring out my words and Yukinoshita dropped her gaze, replying with hesitation. “But…”
“No, I know what you want to say,” I said rapidly, interrupting her before she could turn me down. “I know I took up the requuest on my own. I even said it wouldn’t help her in the long run, but I’m still the one who forced her to become the president. All the problems lie with me.”
It’d be extremely bad if I was turned down here. I didn’t prepare anything that could hope to convince Yukinoshita, but even so, I had to avoid getting rejected here. I gave the few reasons and listed them out to her.
“Do you remember the elementary kid from Chiba Village? She actually hasn’t changed at all…”
“Oh… Do you mean Rumi-chan?” Yuigahama made a difficult face. The incident with her in the past wasn’t a good memory for anyone. Not a single individual was saved, rather, everyone was forced to deal with the worst result ever.
That was how I did things the entire time. But that’s where I was wrong again. That’s why, I desperately spat out my words so I wouldn’t make that mistake once more.
“That’s why I want to do something for her. I know things turned out the way they did because of what I did, and I know I’m being presumptuous, but I still want your help.”
After I finished, I looked at Yukinoshita. She squeezed the fists she had on the table even harder.
“So you’re saying… you’re at fault?”
“…Yeah, I can’t deny it.”
Directly or indirectly, my actions were the cause of everything. That was an infallible truth. Upon answering her, she quietly lowered her eyes and bit her lips.
“I see…” she said, her voice resembling a sigh and lifted her face. Her eyes that were slightly moist looked at me for an instant, but were quickly averted. After taking a moment to search for the words she wanted to say, she spoke with a cold tone.
“…However, if you think the responsibility is yours and only yours alone, isn’t it something you ought to solve on your own?”
Those words caused me to choke for a moment. But I knew I couldn’t stay silent, so I somehow managed to bring out a husky voice. “…Right. Sorry, forget I even asked.”
Now I had lost all my options. I didn’t have anything else in mind. And most of all, Yukinoshita was someone grounded on the fundamental truth, so what she was saying was right.
It made sense to me enough. At least, logically.
I stood up looking to leave the clubroom. But in that moment, I was stopped by a passionate voice.
“Wait.”
The voice reverberated in the quiet and cold room.
With damp eyes, Yuigahama looked at Yukinoshita and me.
“That can’t be right. Why the heck do things have to be that way? It makes no sense,” Yuigahama said, her voice trembling. Compared to the two of us who were logically satisfied, she judged it otherwise without a single reason.
To see her like that was so fitting of her that my cheeks slackened. As she wore that weak smile, I slowly opened my mouth as though to explain to a child, though wondering who exactly it was that I was trying to persuade.
“No, it does… It’s only natural to figure out your own problems.”
“…I suppose so.” Yukinoshita agreed, only after taking a moment.
We both replied and Yuigahama quickly shook her head and retorted. “That’s wrong. The both of you are saying completely different things.”
When I looked at Yuigahama to see that she was making a face that was on the verge of tears, my chest tightened and I wanted to remove my gaze from her. But her kind voice wouldn’t allow me to.
“Look, Hikki, you’re not the only one responsible. I mean, you did think up of all the ideas and even carried them out, but we’re just as responsible, too. We’re the ones who forced you to do all the work…”
“…No, you got that wrong.”
I scrambled for the words I needed to tell Yuigahama who was hanging her head. They didn’t push the work onto me at all. In fact, they helped me quite a lot.
However, she lifted her head to look at me, still showing that weeping expression.
“No, I didn’t. You’re not the only one responsible for why things ended up this way. I am, too…” Yuigahama looked over at Yukinoshita’s face. Her gaze implied that there was one other person guilty as well.
Yukinoshita directly returned her gaze, however, she didn’t utter a single word. Her lips were tightly sealed shut.
Pressured, Yuigahama lowered her voice and mumbled, “…You’re being unfair with what you’re saying, Yukinon.”
Her voice may have been docile, but her gaze was firmly locked onto Yukinoshita. Her sincere eyes looked even aggressive.
Yukinoshita didn’t break away from their locked gazes. She took a moment wondering whether she should say anything and responded with a subdued, but sharp tone.
“So you bring that up now…? You’re unfair as well,” Yukinoshita said.
Yuigahama slightly bit her lips. Their gazes went back and forth as though they were glaring each other down.
“Hang on, I’m not here to talk about that.”
Digging out the culprit and placing the blame on him was pointless. I don’t want some kind of pretense where everyone was at fault. I was here to talk about something entirely else.
Not so I could see a quarrel between Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, especially with those expressions they had.
My voice, however, just didn’t reach them. Despite that, my still voice didn’t reach them. Though they looked at each other in diffidence, their words continued to flow out without stopping.
Yuigahama swallowed her breath, her white throat trembling. She faced Yukinoshita with moist eyes and spoke on.
“It’s because you never said anything, Yukinon… There are things we won’t understand if you don’t tell us anything.”
“…You didn’t say anything, either. You would just keep talking as if nothing was wrong.”
Yukinoshita’s voice was cold. Her expression resembled a congealed sculpture that simply and indifferently laid out only the truth. What she was speaking about was likely the time we spent together in the past few days.
“That’s why… I thought if you– I thought if the both of you wanted things to stay this way, then…”
Her murmur was so soft that it could disappear and Yuigahama choked on her words.
The freezing and hollow clubroom simply waited for the end of time to come. That, too, was something Yukinoshita had felt herself.
Both Yuigahama and I, however, had willfully swallowed that temporary nonsense. And by doing that, it might’ve coerced Yukinoshita into acting the same way.
Everyone was the same for not saying the truth. We were here, unable to say a single thing about the things we wanted.
Both she and I had been too indulgent on each other, on how we were supposed to be.
Our ideals and our understanding should’ve been completely separate things, too.
“…We won’t understand if you don’t tell us anything, huh?”
Those very words Yuigahama uttered pulled at my heart. There were things you wouldn’t understand if you don’t say anything. There’s no mistake about that. However, would you really understand if you say something?
Yuigahama turned to me after hearing the words I leaked out. Yukinoshita continued looking downwards. The words I slipped out caused Yuigahama to face my way. I opened my mouth as though urged by Yuigahama’s gaze.
“But that doesn’t mean we’ll understand just by talking things through.”
“That’s not…”
Yuigahama’s mouth distorted sorrowfully. It looked like tears were close to trickling down from the corner of her eyes. That’s why I spoke as gently as I could to avoid that.
“…I know for sure I won’t take anything I was told at face value. It’s because I might start thinking that there’s more to it, that there are circumstances behind it.”
After all, Yukinoshita was an individual of a few words. Even Yuigahama would be indecisive with her words to try to smooth things over.
On top of that, I was plagued with the habit of looking deeper into what people say.
So when Yukinoshita declared herself as a candidate for the election, I wouldn’t have taken her words at face value even if she told me straightforwardly that she wanted to do it. I’d try to think of other reasons for her declaration to find what it was that she was truly aiming for and ultimately, I think I’d end up being mistaken.
People looked only at the things they wanted to see in the same way of the things they wanted to hear. I was no exception.
Yuigahama rubbed her eyes and passionately lifted her face. “But if we just talk to each other enough, if we just made sure to talk with you Hikki, I…”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I said, slowly shaking my head to her.
Anyone could say, “I don’t understand if you don’t say anything.” They’d stomach these borrowed words of a stranger and tell others despite being ignorant of what it was they wanted to say, what they wanted to get across, and the pain they had to go through.
There were things that wouldn’t get across even if you said something as well as things that would collapse once you said something.
“It’s arrogance to think saying things out loud is enough to understand. It’s self-satisfaction for the speaker and conceit for the listener… There’s a lot more going on than that and you won’t always come to an understanding just by talking things through. That’s why words aren’t what I want,” I said, feeling my body slightly shake. I made a quick glance outside the window and evening was gradually looming closer and closer. Because of that, the room was starting to get colder.
Although Yukinoshita was silent the entire time, she hugged her shoulders as though to warm herself up.
Yuigahama sniffed and wiped her eyes. Then, she spoke with a teary voice.
“But how we will ever understand if we never talk to each other…?”
“Yeah… Thinking you can understand without talking to each other is delusional. But… I…”
My eyes wandered as I looked for the words I wanted to continue with.
However, I couldn’t find those words no matter where I looked. The only things reflected in my eyes were just the red eyes that were frantically rubbed over and over again, and the profile with long eyelashes that continued to look downwards.
And suddenly, that sight blurred.
“I…”
I started again, but still unable to find the words.
Just what was I supposed to say? I had already said what I wanted to say, the things I had felt and the things that I thought of. I posed the question so I could start from the top. I was supposed to have thought of the words to make that happen. Now, there was nothing left. I had no more options.
───Ahh, so that’s how it is. The things I tried to say were ultimately, regardless of where I was and regardless of how much I considered, were just my thoughts, my calculations, my measures, and my strategies.
But I still continued to look for the words I wanted to say, the words I needed to say despite not having an ounce of understanding after all that thinking. It’s not like they’d understand just because I said something, too. Saying anything would just be pointless.
I didn’t want words. But there was certainly something else that I wanted.
I didn’t want mutual understanding, friendship, dialogue, companionship; none of those things. I don’t want to be understood. I already know that I’m not and I don’t dare to think I want to be. I wanted something far more cruel and relentless. I wanted to understand. I want to understand. I want to know, I want to gain peace of mind for knowing. It’s because I’m terrified of not knowing these things. It’s terribly self-righteous, egotistic, and arrogant of me to wish for complete understanding. It’s truly wretched and repulsive. It just makes me absolutely disgusted myself for even wanting that.
However, what if… what if we felt the same way?
What if a relationship where we could force that unsightly self-satisfaction onto each other, a relationship that could allow for that arrogance existed?
I know that’s absolutely impossible. I know it’s out of my reach.
The grape that my hands couldn’t reach was, without a doubt, sour.
But I don’t need fruits that were so unbelievably sweet. I don’t need a sham of an understanding nor do I need a deceitful relationship.
What I wanted was that sour grape.
Even if it’s sour, even if it’s bitter, even if it’s disgusting, even if it’s poisonous, even if it’s nonexistent, even if it’s untouchable, even if I couldn’t wish for it.
“Even so…”
I could tell my voice was shaking.
“Even so, I…”
I desperately held in the feeling of wanting to break into a sob. Even though I had swallowed my voice and words, they continued to come out in bits and pieces. My teeth would grind noisily and the words were squeezed out on their own.
“I want something genuine.”
The corners of my eyes were hot and my sight was blurring. I could only hear the sound of my breathing.
Both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama looked at my face with a surprised one of their own.
How unsightly. To demand things of other people in such a tearful and pathetic voice. I didn’t want to accept this kind of self. I didn’t want to show it. I didn’t want anyone to see it. Even the things I said were incoherent. There wasn’t any logic or cause and effect anywhere. This was just a bunch of nonsense.
My wet and hot breaths caused my throat to shake. During that, I suppressed my voice that I felt was going to leak out.
“Hikki…”
Yuigahama called me and gently extended her hand. However, the distance between us wasn’t close enough for her to come into contact. Her stretched hand wouldn’t reach and she weakly dropped it.
It wasn’t just her hand. I wasn’t sure if her words had reached me either.
What exactly could you understand from these words? They’d never understand even if I said them. But having said them was self-satisfaction itself. Or possibly, it was the deception that we detested. It might just have been completely worthless sham.
However, no matter how much I thought, an answer didn’t come out. I didn’t even know what I should do. That’s why the last thing left was this worthless wish of mine.
“I… don’t understand.”
Yukinoshita’s voice was quiet. She held her shoulders, squeezing them tighter, and her expression distorted into pain.
“I’m sorry.”
With a quick mutter, she stood up from her seat and briskly made for the door without making so much the slightest look at us.
“Yukinon!”
Yuigahama tried to chase after her and stood up. But worried about me, she turned around.
I sat there, only watching.
I watched Yukinoshita leave the room in a daze with my blurred vision and I let out the pent up hot breaths in my chest.
I might’ve been relieved somehow, feeling how it was finally over.
“Hikki.” Yuigahama grabbed my arm as I spaced out. She pulled me, trying to get me to my feet. Yuigahama brought her face close to mine, looking straight into my eyes with hers mixed with tears. “…We need to go after her.”
“No, but…”
My conclusion was already out. The words I needed to say and the thoughts I wanted to get across were no more. I let out a self-derisive smile and I averted my face from Yuigahama.
However, Yuigahama didn’t withdraw.
“We need to go together…! Yukinon said she didn’t understand. I think she probably doesn’t even know why she doesn’t understand… Even I don’t get it. But look! We can’t let things end this way! This is our only chance to talk to her! I’ve never seen Yukinon like that before! That’s why we need to go after her now…”
When she said that, she let go of my arm and then grasped my hand. The hand she strongly squeezed mine with was hot.
Again, Yuigahama pulled my hand along. It wasn’t as strong as the pull from earlier. It was a frailty that was trying to confirm and test something. I was sure even Yuigahama didn’t know what to do either. With our hands still together, she looked up at my face anxiously.
That’s why I gently brushed her hands away.
From that, Yuigahama’s hands dropped weakly and her face was about to burst into tears.
But that’s not what it was. It’s not that I didn’t want to take someone’s hand because I was uneasy. It’s not that I wanted someone to support me because I couldn’t walk on my own. To hold hands was something for an even more different occasion.
Right now, I’ll walk with my own feet.
“…I can walk on my own. Let’s go.”
After I said that, I headed for the door.
“Y-Yeah!”
From behind was the following footsteps and voice. After confirming that, I opened the door and went into the hallway.
When I did, the figure of a person stiffly in place quickly came into view. It was Isshiki Iroha.
“Ah, Senpai… ahh, um, I wanted to call out to you, but…”
Isshiki was in a fluster as she tried to say things, but right now wasn’t the time to be bothered with Isshiki.
“Iroha-chan? Sorry, can we talk later?”
Yuigahama apologized and quickly ran off. I was about to follow after her as well, but Isshiki stopped me.
“S-Senpai, there’s no meeting today! I came here to say that… A-Also–”
“Yeah, got it.”
I didn’t listen to Isshiki’s words until the end and I answered randomly. I was about to dash off towards Yuigahama who was waiting ahead. But there, the sleeve of my blazer was pulled on.
When I took a look to see what it was, Isshiki had a resigned face and let out a sigh. She then pointed upwards.
“Please hear me out… Yukinoshita-senpai went upstairs!”
“Sorry, and thanks.”
After I thanked Isshiki, I quickly called out to Yuigahama.
“Yuigahama, she’s above us.”
Yuigahama quickly rushed back and we both climbed up the stairs of the special building.
Above likely was referring to the open hallway.
The hallway that connected the school building and the special building was something like a rooftop with a missing roof on the fourth floor. During the winter season, this floor wasn’t particularly used by the students during this time of the season because it was exposed to the cold winds.
After we climbed the stairs, we made it to the plateau of the open hallway.
The afterglow from the west was obstructed by the special building and the evening sun dyed past the glass of the hallway. The sky in the east was beginning to darken.
The open corridor was in the rift of the twilight and Yukinoshita was there.
Yukinoshita was leaning against the handrail and seemed to be in a daze. Her hair danced with the chilly wind. The evening light illuminated her lustrous black hair and the whiteness of her skin. Her eyes shaded with anxiety were directed far towards the cluster of buildings that began to show its night brilliance.
“Yukinon!”
Yuigahama rushed over to Yukinoshita. I followed after her, walking along slowly. I was still catching my breath because we had run straight up the stairs without resting.
“Yukinoshita…”
I called her with a disconnected voice, but Yukinoshita didn’t turn around.
Even so, it looked my voice had reached her as she spoke in a shuddering, small voice.
“…I don’t understand.”
She voiced those words again.
When she uttered them, my feet stopped.
The chilly wind blew past as if dividing us apart. Yukinoshita slowly turned around as if that wind was agitating to her. Her moist eyes didn’t have any strength as she stood there strongly squeezing her clutched hands that pressed against her bosom.
Yukinoshita asked me with a raspy voice, not bothering to adjust her hair that was disturbed by the wind.
“What exactly do you mean by ‘genuine’?”
“That’s…”
Even I didn’t understand it too well. To this day, I have yet to see it for myself, let alone touch it. That’s why I was still here, not knowing whether that thing was something I could say “that was it”. Of course, there was no way that other people would understand. Even so, it’s something that I was wishing for.
As I stood there unable to answer, as if to make it up for me, Yuigahama took a step forward and placed her hand on Yukinoshita’s shoulder.
“Yukinon, it’s okay.”
“…What is?”
When Yukinoshita added, Yuigahama made a troubled but an embarrassed grin.
“I honestly don’t get it, either…”
Yuigahama rubbed her bun hair trying to play it off and she retracted her laugh. She took one step closer to Yukinoshita and she placed her other hand on Yukinoshita’s shoulder. And then, Yuigahama gazed at Yukinoshita directly opposite of her.
“I’m sure we’ll figure something out if we just talk it through. But, like, I’m sure we’ll still not get what it is, though. So, like, maybe we’ll never understand, but, I think that could work, too… Okay, I really don’t get it… But you know… I…”
On Yuigahama’s cheeks were a flow of tears.
“I hate how we are our right now…”
Yuigahama said and hugged Yukinoshita’s shoulders that she pulled closer and began to sob as if the string of tension was cut. Unable to embrace her back, Yukinoshita let out a sigh and her lips trembled.
I looked away from those two for just a little.
No matter how much I thought, that answer, those words were the only thing that came out. Just how could she, how could Yuigahama say those words like that?
Like someone who could only wield a theory drenched with a contradicting falsehood in a roundabout way?
Like someone who couldn’t put into words properly their thoughts and instead stayed silent?
Nothing could be conveyed without words, yet there was a mistake because there were words. So what exactly could we understand then?
Yukinoshita Yukino’s held beliefs. Yuigahama Yui’s sought relationship. Hikigaya Hachiman’s desired genuine thing.
Just how different were these, I was here without knowing.
However, those honest tears were enough to tell me. That this time right now wasn’t a mistake at all.
Yukinoshita caressed Yuigahama’s hair while she was pressed against her shoulders.
“Why are you crying…? You really are… unfair.”
After saying that, Yukinoshita pressed her face against Yuigahama’s shoulders like an embrace. I could overhear them softly sobbing.
Both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama supported each other where they stood. Eventually, Yukinoshita breathed out and raised her face.
“…Hikigaya-kun.”
“Yeah,” I answered, and waited for her to continue. Although she wasn’t looking at me directly, I could feel a strong and resolute will in her voice.
“I accept your request.”
“…Sorry.”
I slightly bowed my head. It was such a short word, yet my voice was close to shivering. When I lifted my head, Yuigahama also lifted her head from Yukinoshita’s shoulders.
“I’ll help too…” Yuigahama said, turning towards me with a trembling voice. When our eyes met, she smiled with wet eyes.
“…Thanks,” I said, and made a meaningless look up at the sky.
Across the sky before me was the blotting of orange.
Devam etmek isteyenler 9-7'den devam edebilirler.
[Bağlantı]
Bölüm efsaneydi bu arada. Ama Türkanime'deki yorumlardan anladığım kadarıyla millet "ne oldu da bunlar ağlaşmaya başladı" olayını pek kavrayamamış.
Olay Yukino'nun üzerinde dönüyor.
Yukino henüz bilmediğimiz bir sebepten dolayı bir zamanlar sıcak olduğu ailesi ve Hayama'yla arasına mesafe koymuş. İnsanlarla samimiyet kurmuyor. 8man'ın deyimiyle tam bir "buzlar kraliçesi". Ama 8man ve Yui bu buzları eritmeye başlamıştı. (hiratsuka sensei'nin planı: 2 zeki asosyali bir araya getir, birbirlerinin kabuklarını kırsınlar) Hatta 8man'dan hoşlanmaya başladığının sinyallerini görmüştük. Tam da bu sırada 8man kız(lar)ın gözü önünde başka bir kıza teklif etti. Bu Yukino'nun tepesini biraz attırdı.
Derken başkanlık olayı çıktı. Yukino (belki biraz da ablasının gazıyla) başkan olmak istiyordu. Böylece diğer ikisini de yanlarına alıp eskisi gibi birlikte çalışabilecekler, bir yandan da bunun için başkanlık nimetlerinden faydalanabileceklerdi. (Meguri senpai'in hayal ettiği gibi)
Ama öyle olmadı. 8man ve Yui düzenlerinin değişmesini istemediler. Hachiman bunu kendine bile itiraf edemediği için kardeşini de bu işe katıp, onu bahane olarak kullandı ve Iroha'yı başkanlığa ikna etti. Böylece her şey olduğu gibi kalabilecekti.
Ama kalmadı. Yukino ihanete uğramış hissetti. Yui ve 8man sayesinde tekrar insanlara güvenmeye başlayan Yuki, bir kez daha hayal kırıklığına uğradı.
Yukino'nun ortamdan tamamen kendini soyutlaması Yui ve Hiki'ye kendilerine yaptıkları şeyin doğruluğunu sorgulattı. Şu ana kadar kimsenin dillendiremediği gerçekleri milletin yüzüne vuran 8man, bu bölümde kendine bile itiraf edemediği kendi gerçeklerini, kendi yüzüne vurdu. Böylece üçlü bütün kurtlarını ortaya dökü
Bu mesaja teşekkür edenler (5 kişi): Hilda, moonlightknight01, Mihawk [Bot], Kelan, TurgoN
Efsane özet geçmişsin. Bölüm ne ara çıktı, ne ara izlediniz anlamadım pek ama. Kaç bölümdür bende anlamadım problem nedir diye. Tabi Yukinon'un geçmişini bilmediğimiz için normal.
Ah ah 7.bölümü izliykrum diye 8.bölümü izlemek var ve Hachiman ağlayana kadar bunu anlayamamak...Neyse Yukino dışındakileri ben de bir türlü anlayamıyorum ki...Yukino yu da sadece tahminler üzerine anlıyordum şimdiye kadar ...
Paşam 'ın özeti ilaç gibi geldi...Biraz da kendimi salak hissettim ama olsun ..
Yukino ile Hayama arasında ki ilişki neymiş onu merak ediyorum ilk sezondan beridir..Ayrıca birinci sezon Hayama Yukino dan hoşlanıyor zannediyordum ama bu sezon da Yukino nun ablasından hoşlanıyormuş gibi hissettim ..
Bilemiyorum ki ? İzledikçe anlarız artık ...
Paşam 'ın özeti ilaç gibi geldi...Biraz da kendimi salak hissettim ama olsun ..
Yukino ile Hayama arasında ki ilişki neymiş onu merak ediyorum ilk sezondan beridir..Ayrıca birinci sezon Hayama Yukino dan hoşlanıyor zannediyordum ama bu sezon da Yukino nun ablasından hoşlanıyormuş gibi hissettim ..
Bilemiyorum ki ? İzledikçe anlarız artık ...
9. bölüm tam bir hayal kırıklığı ya..
3 bölüme sığacak olayları 1 bölüme sıkıştırıp tepmişler resmen. Çoğu sahneye hızlı hızlı geçiştirip, bir çok sahneyi komple atlamışlar.
8man Iroha'nın çantalarını aldığında kızların tepkileri geçiştirilmiş. Toplantı komple atlanmış ki Yukinoshita orada Iroha'yı postalayıp kendi oturuyordu 8man'ın yanına. Eğlence parkındaki sahnelerin yarısı atlanmış. Bütün o küçük kıskançlıklar falan... Romantik komedi lan bu!! Niye atlıyorsunuz bu sahneleri.
Paşam çok kızdı...
3 bölüme sığacak olayları 1 bölüme sıkıştırıp tepmişler resmen. Çoğu sahneye hızlı hızlı geçiştirip, bir çok sahneyi komple atlamışlar.
8man Iroha'nın çantalarını aldığında kızların tepkileri geçiştirilmiş. Toplantı komple atlanmış ki Yukinoshita orada Iroha'yı postalayıp kendi oturuyordu 8man'ın yanına. Eğlence parkındaki sahnelerin yarısı atlanmış. Bütün o küçük kıskançlıklar falan... Romantik komedi lan bu!! Niye atlıyorsunuz bu sahneleri.
Paşam çok kızdı...
hoppalapaşam yazmış:
9. bölüm tam bir hayal kırıklığı ya..
3 bölüme sığacak olayları 1 bölüme sıkıştırıp tepmişler resmen. Çoğu sahneye hızlı hızlı geçiştirip, bir çok sahneyi komple atlamışlar.
8man Iroha'nın çantalarını aldığında kızların tepkileri geçiştirilmiş. Toplantı komple atlanmış ki Yukinoshita orada Iroha'yı postalayıp kendi oturuyordu 8man'ın yanına. Eğlence parkındaki sahnelerin yarısı atlanmış. Bütün o küçük kıskançlıklar falan... Romantik komedi lan bu!! Niye atlıyorsunuz bu sahneleri.
Paşam çok kızdı...
3 bölüme sığacak olayları 1 bölüme sıkıştırıp tepmişler resmen. Çoğu sahneye hızlı hızlı geçiştirip, bir çok sahneyi komple atlamışlar.
8man Iroha'nın çantalarını aldığında kızların tepkileri geçiştirilmiş. Toplantı komple atlanmış ki Yukinoshita orada Iroha'yı postalayıp kendi oturuyordu 8man'ın yanına. Eğlence parkındaki sahnelerin yarısı atlanmış. Bütün o küçük kıskançlıklar falan... Romantik komedi lan bu!! Niye atlıyorsunuz bu sahneleri.
Paşam çok kızdı...
Tüm savaşların tek bir galibi vardır.Leş yiyiciler!
Daha İngilizcesi çıkmadı. Sabah çıkar. Japoncası burada ama.
[Bağlantı]
Japonca bilmiyorum tabi ki. Sadece çok basit cümleleri anlayabiliyorum ama zaten kitabı okuduğum için sorun olmuyor.
[Bağlantı]
Japonca bilmiyorum tabi ki. Sadece çok basit cümleleri anlayabiliyorum ama zaten kitabı okuduğum için sorun olmuyor.
Bu mesaja teşekkür edenler (1 kişi): moonlightknight01
hoppalapaşam yazmış:
Daha İngilizcesi çıkmadı. Sabah çıkar. Japoncası burada ama.
[Bağlantı]
Japonca bilmiyorum tabi ki. Sadece çok basit cümleleri anlayabiliyorum ama zaten kitabı okuduğum için sorun olmuyor.
[Bağlantı]
Japonca bilmiyorum tabi ki. Sadece çok basit cümleleri anlayabiliyorum ama zaten kitabı okuduğum için sorun olmuyor.
yok artik pasam hll olsun olayin kaynagina inmisin
Tüm savaşların tek bir galibi vardır.Leş yiyiciler!
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